ANNA WAKES UP IN A BED IN A HOTEL ROOM SHE DOES NOT RECOGNIZE WITH A REALLY BAD HANGOVER WONDERING WHAT SHE DID LAST NIGHT
Anna: (placing her hands on her head) Oh, what a headache. What happened last night?
ANNA TURNS TO HER RIGHT AND SEES GUINNESS, AN ALIEN, LYING NEXT TO HER IN BED
Guinness: Oh, come on Anna, you had to remember some of my performance
Anna: What? Oh my God, what did I do?
Stella: Us to answer your question…(popping up from under the bed sheets) You don’t remember any of it?
Anna: I can’t believe this (hanging her head in shame) I am never going to drink again.
ANNA GETS UP AND RUND TO THE BATHROOM AND SHUTS THE DOOR
Guinness: well I guess we can talk about the NFC East
Stella: Good idea. Last year the Redskins won the division. Think they will repeat?
Guinness: I would not bet money on it, in light of RG3’s injury last season…
Stella: He is already practicing with the Redskins which is a good sign…but I’m with you, as much as I like RG3, I think it’s a huge risk to pick the Redskins. But in limited playing time Kirk Cousins was pretty good and they did sign Pat White this offseason. (Stella and Guinness both laugh)
Guinness: I expect their defense to be improved with the return of Brian Orakpo and newly acquired draftees Brandon Jenkins and Barcarri Rambo. They made the most out of their limited picks adding Tackle Xavier Nixon as well. But I expect them to finish second to the New York Giants in 2013.
THE SOUND OF PUKING CAN BE HEARD FROM INSIDE OF THE BATHROOM
Stella: (yelling to the bathroom) Keep it up, the aliens we inseminated you with won’t come out until all the tequila is gone…
Guinness: The Giants spent their first round pick on offensive line to drafting Justin Pugh. In my opinion it was a bit of a reach, but they got a bit of a steal in the second round when they drafted DeMontre Moore. They just keep adding guys that can pressure the QB!
Stella: I am a little concerned that the Ginats failed to address their secondary this offseason, but let’s face it any evaluation of the Giants should focus on Eli Manning. He is an elite QB in this league and always seems to be underrated.
Guinness: Actually I think one of the most notable things for the Ginats in 2013 won’t be a 2013 addition, it will be a 2012 addition, RB David Wilson will start from day 1, and will make things happen right away.
Anna: Ewwww…what is all this sticky stuff on my face…
GUINNESS AND STELLA LOOK AT EACH OTHER AND LAUGH
Guinness: Oh that…don’t worry its good for your skin…
Anna: (sigh) I can’t believe guys all over the universe use that lame line…
Stella: (turning to Guinness) I’m really curious about the Eagles. They hired Chip Kelly for Oregon as their head coach and he promises to open up the offense, which wasn’t exactly low scoring the last few years.
Guinness: I’m not sure it is going to work. Reminds me of Steve Spurrier with the Redskins years ago. Besides Michael Vick was a turnover machine in 2012.
Stella: Well teams like the Patriots were implementing some of Kelly’s playbook last year in the NFL, so its not completely foreign to the NFL. And they really have some speed on offense with guys like DeSean Jackson and Jeremy Macklin ctaches passes from Vick. But I agree, Vick has to avoid turnovers.
Anna: (walking out of the bathroom) I can’t find my panties.
Guinness: Oh…those…those are with Ryan Braun’s credibility…
Stella: Yeah…out the window (laughing)
ANNA STORMS OUT OF THE HOTEL ROOM HANGING HER HEAD IN SHAME
Guinness: There is one more team in the NFC East isn’t there…
Stella: Yes, I think so…but I can’t seem to remember which team…
Guinness: Oh Yeah…these guys
Stella: The Cowboys…ah America’s Team (laughing). There is not much to say about the Cowboys. They will be overhyped, overanalyzed and once again be a very average team…and that pretty much sums up the NFC East!
NOW FOR A SERIOUS WORD FROM PIGSGERALD OINKUSTUS BACON (PIGGY)
The Flying Pig: Humans and other readers. It has come my attention that certain incriminating picture have surfaced on the internet. Like this one:
And this one:
The Flying Pig: and of course this one:
The Flying Pig: Well Humans…you may think you smear me with your childish exchange of Piggy pics but I remind you of two things: 1. Anything I did when I was young, needed money, drunk or all three has little bearing on this Pig and is only a reflection of your own morale depravity. 2. I am Pig. These trifle photos do not shame pigs. I wear my vulgarity like a badge of honor. Pigs roll in the mud, sometimes even poo. Pigs eat anything and I mean anything…except dentures. Anytime I leave the room, I leave you with a fart. You cannot change my nature by attempting to smear my image. Which reminds me, this seems like a good time to tell a story…
The Flying Pig: Once upon a time, a lonely human searched the seas to find a new friend. The human met a shark. At first the human was scared, sharks after all, like all majestic creatures, will eat anything. The shark likewise, was scared, not that the human was going to eat him, but that the human did not appear scared. The human reached out her arm to the shark. The shark extended his fin. They held hands and became great friends. They watched the sun rise and set on the ocean together. They watched schools of colorful fish swim cross across vast corals reefs together. They watched jellyfish go up to the surface like balloons. One day the human finally admitted she was scared of the shark. She told the shark, “Shark, I feel guilty I feared you once. I know now that all the humans were wrong about you. You are not a dangerous creature. You are beautiful, peaceful and most of all you are my friend”. The shark smiled and turned to the human nodding in agreement and said “Human, I too was misled by my colleagues. The sharks were wrong about humans. You are more delicious than seals…”
The Flying Pig: Stupid human…
PIGGY FARTS AND LEAVES THE ROOM