STELLA AND GUINNESS, TWO ALIENS, ARE STANDING OUTSIDE A BAR ABOUT TO GO INSIDE
Stella: I don’t know if I can do this anymore. I’m so hungover. And I don’t know anything about the AFC South
Guinness: I hear you. And that is why I hired a private investigator
Stella: A what?
Guinness: A private investigator. I found him on Craigslist…which is always reliable!
DIGGS P.I. DRIVES UP IN FRONT OF THE BAR IN THE DIGGSMOBILE
Diggs, P.I.: Good evening aliens! Lets get started (opening the door to the bar)
Guinness: You mean you haven’t started yet
Diggs, P.I.: Relax we can get all the information we need right here. (walking inside the bar with the two aliens)
Stella: Its so crowded here…how can we get anything done…
Diggs, P.I.: Leave it to me! (as he glances over the bar)
Guinness: Somebody’s elbow is in my xeboploid!
Diggs, P.I.: There! (pointing at a man in the corner) That’s a Titans fan! (moving to the man)
Stella: What? How could you possibly know that?
Diggs, P.I.: (walking up to the man he pointed out) Look (to the man he pointed out) I know who you are…Why don’t you tell us about the Titans?
Titans Fan: Excuse me? I’m just having a drink buddy…
Guinness: Come on Diggs…This guy isn’t a Titans fan…
Diggs, P.I.: Just having a drink???? Where were you on November 11, 2012?
Titans Fan: Look man, you are creeping me out…
Diggs, P.I.: Mother Fucker! I saw you at the game! (He grabs the man by the back of the head) You ruined my trip to Miami you fucking Titans fan! (He begins to slam the mean’s head into the bar counter)
Stella: What are you doing Diggs, that is way out of hand….
Titans Fan: Ouch! All right, All right I was at the Dolphins vs Titans game on November 11. The Titans are my team. Chris Johnson is so fast. He is going to have another 2,000 yard season someday. And our receivers: We have Kenny Britt, Kendall Wright and we drafted this kid…this kid who is (whispering)…a Samurai…Justin Hunter.
DIGGS P.I. BOWS AND A VOLCANO ERUPTS BEHIND HIM
Diggs, P.I.: And your QB?
Titans Fan: Jake Locker…um…He is kind of a wildcard. If he plays like a top 10 pick, well, then we are contenders…if not…well…hey can you let go of my head now?
Diggs, P.I.: I’m finished with this guy (releasing the Titans fan)
Guinness: Well that is one team….
Diggs, P.I.: Yeah, this place is crawling with AFC South fans. I spotted the Texans fan when I walked in. But that one is easy!
Stella: What Texans fan?
Diggs, P.I.: What are you kidding me! The Texans are contenders. Their fans are full of themselves. Look at that guy over (pointing to a man standing on a table) He is just spewing information about the Texans as he brags about them.
Texans Fan: (shouting from the table) We didn’t spend much money in free agency because we didn’t need to. We are Super Bowl bound baby! Andre Johnson is one of the best receivers in the league. Matt Schaub loves throwing to him, when he is not throwing to Owen Daniels. And Arian Foster is a beast running the ball. We have it all on offense. And on defense, we are the best Defense in the NFL. It doesn’t get any better than JJ Watt baby!
Diggs, P.I.: (yelling to the Texans fan from across the bar) How about the draft? (turning to Stella and Guinness and whispering) Watch this….
Texans Fan: (shouting from the table) Oh the draft! We drafted a safety in the second to help our secondary and in the first round we drafted a heck of a receiver to play along side Andre Johnson. People are already raving (speaking even louder as he gets excited) about him. He is my pick for Offensive rookie of the year. The guy’s name is DeAndre Hopkins. He’s a fucking Samurai!
LIGHTNING STRIKES THE TEXANS FAN. HE CLUTCHES HIS HEART, COLLAPSES AND DIES
Diggs, P.I.: (laughing) I knew it. Stupid Cowboy…you have to whisper when you talk of the great ones….
Guinness: Okay, that is two…but how are you going to find the Colts fan. They were in t he playoffs last season. I don’t see any of them screaming on top of a table.
Diggs, P.I.: Oh, the Colts fans…well their a different breed. They have been contenders before so you won’t find them shouting on top of a table…but their is one sure way to reveal a Colts fan. The common Colts fan has no competitive integrity. They will do anything for the number one pick in the draft! Watch this Aliens. (Yelling out) Hey, I have the number one pick in the 2014 draft…anyone interested.
SIX FANS WEARING ANDREW LUCK JERSEYS QUICKLY SURROUND DIGGS, P.I.
Colts Fan #1: How can we help you?
Colts Fan #2: We will do anything for that #1 pick
Colts Fan #3: I’ll suck your dick…just give me the pick please
Diggs, P.I.: Um…that won’t be necessary. I just need to know a little about the Colts.
Colts Fan #4: Andrew Luck
Colts Fan #5: Andrew Luck
Colts Fan #6: Andrew Luck
Diggs, P.I.: Okay…I think I know where you guys are going with this. He was the #1 pick in 2012. And he looks like the real deal. But there has to be more than just Andrew Luck.
Colts Fan #1: Nope, not really
Colts Fan #2: Andrew Luck
Colts Fan #3: Come on man…I’ll suck your dick…I’m desperate here…just hand over the pick…
Colts Fan #4: Okay man, look, there is a little more than Andrew Luck
Colts Fan #5: Blasphemy!
Colts Fan #6: May Peyton Manning smack you with Broncos gear…
Colts Fan #4: Guys, guys…I’m talking about players who Luck throws to
Colts Fan #1: You mean…(inquisitive) players who support Luck?
Colts Fan #2: Oh…I never really thought of that
Colts Fan #3: I’ll suck their dicks too!
Colts Fan #4: We selected three receivers for him to throw to in 2012. Dwayne Allen, who was a very productive Tight End for us, another Tight End, Coby Fleener, who has a lot of potential and T.Y. Hilton a speedy receiver from FIU. What a great draft!
Colts Fan #6: And we took Andrew Luck that year too (the other Colts fans nod in agreement)
Colts Fan #4: We also added Ahmad Bradshaw…um…you know…in case we need to give Luck a rest.
Colts Fan #1: What a stupid idea (slapping Colts Fan #4 in the back of the head)
Colts Fan #2: Okay. Give us the pick
Diggs, P.I.: eh…okay…its in the mail…(walking away from the Colts fans)
Stella: Okay that is three…but do you think there is actually a Jaguars fan here?
Diggs, P.I.: Oh…those are the tough ones. You can beat them all you want. They’ll never admit to being a Jaguars fan.
Guinness: How will we find them?
Diggs, P.I.: Well, they have been hiding for a couple of years now. But last year the Jaguars made a mistake that will always give a Jaguars fan away…they signed Chad Henne….You see if you look at Henne pictures too much, you develop a sort of glazed look in your eye, like you are wondering if the wheel was a good invention..
Stella: I remember that look. A lot of Dolfans had that look…I think there is one over there. (pointing to a man sitting alone at a table staring out the window)
Diggs, P.I.: Good eyes alien. But identification is the first step. He won’t readily admit to it. You have to trick them. Watch what I do…
Stella: (whispering to Guinness) this guy is amazing
Guinness: I agree…but I have no idea how we can pay him
STELLA SHRUGS. DIGGS, P.I. SITS AT THE TABLE WITH THE SUSPECTED JAGUARS FAN.
Diggs, P.I.: Do you mind if I sit here MJD…
Jaguars Fan: Um, the name is Gary…sure have a seat…
Diggs, P.I.: So you been Henne here a long time?
Jaguars Fan: I think you mean “here”, and no, not long…
Diggs, P.I.: Oh…my mistake…hey man I like your Cecil Shorts…do they make them in Blackmon?
Jaguars Fan: Dude, these are khakis!
Diggs, P.I.: Hah hah…that was just a Joeckel man…oh man…bookend Monroe…you know what I mean
Jaguars Fan: I have no idea what you are talking about???
Diggs, P.I.: I’m just Babin…Excuse the gibberish…I have a little turrets from time to time…(Diggs, P.I. begins to scream out lout uncomfortably) Alualu, Sen’derrick Marks, Posluszny, Massaquoi!
Jaguars Fan: Look man…You are acting crazy…I think you better leave…
Diggs, P.I.: (pointing at the fan and standing up from his chair) I have to hand it to you man…you are good…I’ve never seen a Jags fan last so long…but before I go I want to say one thing…
Jaguars Fan: Whatever man, just get the fuck out of here….
Diggs, P.I.: (Diggs, P.I. pauses and stares at the fan in the eye for a minute without saying a word)………………………………………..Gabbert……
Jaguars Fan: Gabbert! Gabbert! (smashing his beer on the ground) That fucking bust! He ruined my team He ruined my team (He drops his head to the table a cries) I hate Gabbert…I hate Gabber
Diggs, P.I.: (consoling the man) Its okay man…we have all been there…anything else worth talking about with the Jaguars…
Jaguars Fan: No man…just Gabbert. (crying) Its all shit now…
Diggs, P.I.: I think we accomplished what we needed to today…
NOW FOR A SERIOUS WORD FROM PIGSGERALD OINKUSTUS BACON THE THIRD DE LA CHULETA (PIGGY)
The Flying Pig: Humans, the last few days. There has been some talk about the new uniforms. Some of you don’t care for them. Some humans call them ugly, some feminine, some just tacky…But Humans, where you see ugly, I see marketing, where you see feminine, I see an opportunity, where you see tacky, I see money!
The Flying Pig: I hereby announce, that for the paltry sum of five millions dollars, I am willing to pose in my new Dolphins Jersey drinking a bottle of blue gatorade. This marketing tool, will prove lucrative for gatorade, because it is well settled, whatever a piggy drinks, so do humans.
The Flying Pig: So there you have it Gatorade. I await your inevitable offer…
PIGGY FARTS AND LEAVES THE ROOM