COLONPOKEY WALKS IN TO THE DOOR OF THE BARN
Colonpokey: I’m back from getting my hair done guys
Wedge: Oh Colonpokey…um…your…um hair….
Colonpokey: Yes I love it (spinning around) they call it the “Sanchez”…what do you think?
Wedge: Its…um…interesting Colonpokey
Colonpokey: Now that he just had surgery, he needs all my support…oh Marc I am there for you (sigh)…hey where is everyone else?
Wedge: Mustachio, GPS and the Little Prawn went to the Ravens game ahead of us…Piggy is in the bathroom…um he has been in there a long time…We better get going, its almost kickoff…but I can’t get Piggy out of the bathroom
INSIDE OF THE BATHROOM PIGGY IS DRESSED IN MILITARY GEAR. THE BATHROOM IS STUFFED FULL OF OTHER PIGS
The Flying Pig: (pacing the bathroom) Pigs…I stand before you now because it is time! Time for the Oinkining to begin…Now I’m sure, like me, you are a little embarrassed of it starting here, in my bathroom, but sometimes great movements start in modest places…and…uh…I really could not find another spot…
Pig #1: Oink
Pig #2: Oink
The Flying Pig: Yes! Oink Brothers! (raising a trotter) The time has come when no Piggy shall be reduced to a entree! You are more than pulled pork. More than sausage. More than pork chops! You are Porcine!!!
Pig #3: Oink
Pig #4: Oink
The Flying Pig: (frustrated) Well don’t everyone run for the door at once
Pig #5: Oink
Pig #6: Oink
The Flying Pig: Pigs! Don’t you want the Oinkining to begin?
Pig #7: Oink
Pig #8: Oink
The Flying Pig: Unbelievable!!! I gather you here at this historic moment and all you can do is Oink!
OUTSIDE THE BATHROOM DOOR
Wedge: (knocking) Piggy…you’ve been in there a while…we need to get to the game now
The Flying Pig: Um…just another minute…
Wedge: (knocking) its been over an hour now Piggy…Come on. Don’t you want to see Joe Flaccid go down?
The Flying Pig: Just a few more minutes!
Colonpokey: Piggy? (knocking) Are you masterbating in there?
The Flying Pig: (angry) No Colonpokey!
Colonpokey: its okay Piggy…its natural!
The Flying Pig: (sticking his snout on the door) I’m not materbating dammit! Go away! (shutting the door)
Colonpokey: (whispering to Wedge) He’s masterbating
Wedge: Okay Piggy but hurry up and finish please. Cameron Wake might play!
Colonpokey: Yeah Piggy…hurry! Its all in the wrist!
BACK IN THE BATHROOM
The Flying Pig: Okay Pigs!
ALL THE PIGS HAVE FALLEN ASLEEP
The Flying Pig: Damnit!
THERE IS ANOTHER KNOCK ON THE DOOR
Colonpokey: Piggy (knocking) Sometimes it used to help Richard Gere when I read a little Winston Churchill
The Flying Pig: What the Fuck! (getting angerier) Churchill?
Colonpokey: (reading from a book) I made it perfectly clear then that whatever happened in France would make no difference to the resolve of Britain and the British Empire to fight on, if necessary for years, if necessary alone.
THE PIGS BEGIN TO WAKE UP
Colonpokey: We have, therefore, in this Island today a very large and powerful military force. This force comprises all our best-trained and our finest troops, including scores of thousands of those who have already measured their quality against the Germans and found themselves at no disadvantage. We have under arms at the present time in this Island over a million and a quarter men
Pig #1: Oink
Pig #2: Oink
The Flying Pig: What is going on…they are responding (yelling out the door) Keep going Colonpopkey! Keep going!
Colonpokey:Here is where we come to the Navy-and after all, we have a Navy. Some people seem to forget that we have a Navy. We must remind them. For the last thirty years I have been concerned in discussions about the possibilities of oversea invasion, and I took the responsibility on behalf of the Admiralty, at the beginning of the last war, of allowing all regular troops to be sent out of the country
THE PIGS BEGIN TO JUMP OUT OF THE BATHTUB
Pig #3: Oink Snort!
Pig #2: Oink Snort!
The Flying Pig: Yes! Yes!
Wedge: (from outside of the bathroom door)…I never new Piggy was so weird
Colonpokey: Let us therefore brace ourselves to our duties, and so bear ourselves that, if the British Empire and its Commonwealth last for a thousand years, men will still say, “This was their finest hour.”
THE PIGS RUN TO THE DOOR AND FORCE IT OPEN. THEY RUN OUT OF THE BATHROOM AND RUN OUT OF THE BARN
The Flying Pig: Go Piggies! Go like the wind!
Wedge: Where did all the Pigs come from?
Colonpokey: Piggy? You’re pregnant?
The Flying Pig: No you stupid rodent…The Oinkining…(whispering) the Oinkining begins…
PIGGY OPENS THE DOOR AND POINTS BUT THEN HE NOTICES THAT THE PIGS HAVEN’T WENT VERY FAR
The Flying Pig: Shit…(disappointed) Lets just go to the game…
Wedge: Go Dolphins!
The Flying Pig: But one thing humans! (Piggy gets angry) Beware because the Piggies are coming! The Piggies are coming! The Piggies are coming!!!