THE PORCINE ODDYSSEY #80: THE BYE

 

 PIGGY IS CRYING IN THE SHOWER

 

The Flying Pig:  SQUEAL…SQUEAL…I can’t believe there is no Dolphins football this weekend…SQUEAL…SQUEAL

 

PiggyCryinginShower

 

The Flying Pig:  I hate the BYE week…what will i do this Sunday?  There is Redzone Network…and my laundry…SQUEAL…SQUEAL

 

PIGGY WIPES A TEAR AWAY 

 

The Flying Pig:  but I’ve never cried like this before because of a BYE…maybe there is something else…maybe I miss my friends…

 

PIGGY BEGINS TO THINK ABOUT PSYCHIC GPS, WEDGE, MUSTACHIO, THE LITTLE PRAWN AND EVEN COLONPOKEY

 

The Flying Pig:  I mean, we have our differences, but I think I miss them (he pauses)…no fuck those guys, they are probably having a lot of fun without me…jerks!

 

ELSEWHERE, IN CLEVELAND, PSYCHIC GPS IS WAITING AT A WELCOME BACK LEBRON RALLY SURROUNDED BY CAVALIER FANS

 

Psychic GPS:  I can’t wait to see Lebron 

 

Cavs Fan #1:  Yeah.  How long have you been waiting?

 

Psychic GPS: two weeks!

 

Cavs Fan #1:  two weeks!  That is nothing.  I’ve been here since July!

 

Cavs Fan #2:  Not impressed…I’ve been here since 2010

 

GPSWaitingonLebron

 

VP of Lebron PR:  (announcing to the crowd)  Okay everyone.  Sorry to keep you waiting but I have an announcement.  A recent poll suggests that the public does’t like rallies on a Friday.  So Lebron won’t be appearing today, sorry …um..you can all go home now

 

THE CROWD MOANS AND BEGINS TO DISPERSE

 

VP of Lebron PR:  Except you three! (pointing to Cavs Fan #1, Cavs Fan #2 and Psychic GPS)  A recent poll suggests that the American Public loves it went random fans are selected to win a prize…and we selected you three!  You are winners today!

 

Cavs Fan #1:  What did we win?

 

VP of Lebron PR:  Its important to gage what the American people want, so we took your photos while you were waiting and we asked America to vote!  You (pointing at Cavs Fan #1) won a signed Lebron jersey!

 

Cavs Fan #1:  Yes!!!

 

VP of Lebron PR:  And you won (pointing to Cavs Fan #2) a kick in the nuts!

 

Cavs Fan #2:  Yes!!!

 

VP of Lebron PR:  And in your case (pointing to Psychic GPS) we made you eligible for the grand prize, season tickets and asked America to vote.

 

Pyschic GPS:  Vote?  About what?

 

 VP of Lebron PR:  We took your photo and put it next to a child with a terminal disease.  A really cute kid….

 

Pyschic GPS:  That doesn’t seem like it will work out for me.

 

VP of Lebron PR:  To my surprise, America loves electronic devices.  Two weeks ago, you and that kid were neck and neck…

 

Pyschic GPS:  That’s great!  

 

VP of Lebron PR:  but then the new iPhone came out.   You only managed to finish with 2%.  That cute little kid is going to love his seats!

 

Pyschic GPS:  Wait a second.  I waited here for two weeks!  Don’t I get something?

 

VP of Lebron PR:  Oh…that’s very sad about you waiting for nothing…but a recent poll shows America doesn’t like when devices are sore after a dying kid wins something…so I’m done talking to you…

 

Pyschic GPS:  Electronic Disappointment…

 

ELSEWHERE, IN A UFO ABOVE BUFFALO, WEDGE IS WORKING….ER…ON A DOLPHIN’S BLOG

 

The Alpha Alien:  Wedge!!!  (screaming)  Are you on that blog again!

 

Wedge:  Um….eh…no…no…I’m researching the Earth…trying to come up with the best ways to destroy it…I don’t really like the Dolphins…eh…much…

 

WedgeOnBlog

 

The Alpha Alien:  Wedge…  (calming down)  How are you going to become a great intergalactic agent if you can’t find a way to destroy the Earth…

 

Wedge:  I…um…I will find something…its just…well…the Dolphins are tied for first int he AFC East…and…um…

 

The Alpha Alien:  Enough!!!  I want a plan to destroy the Earth!   Give me something new…Give me something fresh…and none of that tired Death Star crap!

 

ELSEWHERE IN ROME, MUSTACHIO IS ON HIS WAY HOME FROM WORK.  HE HAS A BOUQUET OF FLOWERS FOR MRS. MUSTACHIO.

 

Mustachio:  (singing and skipping home) Io non mi sento italiano, ma per fortuna o purtroppo lo sono. Mi scusi Presidente, se arrivo all’impudenza, di dire che non sento.  alcuna appartenenza.

 

MUSTACHIO JUMPS IN A FOUNTAIN AND SPINS AROUND, RAISING THE FLOWERS IN THE AIR.  A GROUP OF ROMAN KIDS CLAP AND LAUGH, ENTERTAINED BY HOW HAPPY MUSTACHIO IS

 

Mustachio:  And Mrs. Mustachio is waiting for me.  Mia bella moglie – she’s-ah Deli Slicer!    

 

THE CHILDREN CIRCLE MUSTACHIO WITH THEIR HANDS CLASPED TO ONE ANOTHER DANCING WITH HIM

 

Mustachio:  Oh Mrs. Mustachio!  I’m going to give you my blade!  Wait for me!  Sto tornado a casa.  My heart is yours and yours in mine!  

 

THE CHILDREN LET HIM GO WAIVING GOODBYE.  MUSTACHIO RUNS IN TO HIS APARTMENT BUILDING AND SKIPS UP THE STAIRS 

 

Mustachio:  Oh Bella Mrs. Mustachio!  I’m coming home!

 

HE OPENS THE DOOR OF HIS APARTMENT AND FINDS MRS.  MUSTACHIO IN BED…WITH COMPANY…

 

Mustachio:  Affanculo Mrs. Mustachio!  Not the 18 piece knife set…and a chainsaw too!

 

MrsMustachioDoesKinfeSets

 

Mustachio:  UNA GRAN PUTA!!!!!!!!!! (dropping the flowers)

 

ELSEWHERE IN AN UNLICENSED FIGHT CLUB OUTSIDE OF BOSTON, THE LITTLE PRAWN IS IN A CORNER OF A FIGHTING RING.  BLOOD IS ALL OVER THR RING.  A GROUP OF SPECTATORS IS WAITING FOR THE NEXT FIGHT

 

Spectator #1:  He’s a monster!

 

Spectator #2:  No one can beat him…I heard he ate some one’s liver last week…

 

Announcer:  Who is brave enough to take on this undefeated fighter!  The Shell from Hell, The Sea Creature Feature, The Killer from the Deep…you know him as The Little Prawn!   Who will fight him?  

 

THE CROWD IS SILENT

 

Empty Corner of Boxing Ring

 

Announcer:  (irritated)  $100,000 to the man who takes him down….

 

THE CROWD IS STILL SILENT

 

Announcer:   Actually (changing the rules) You don’t even have to beat him.  Just land one punch….anyone….anyone….

 

THE CROWD IS STILL SILENT.  THE ANNOUNCER WALKS OVER TO THE LITTLE PRAWN.  

 

Announcer:   Look buddy…if everyone is afraid to fight you…well…I can’t really use you….

 

The Little Prawn:  “……….”

 

THE LITTLE PRAWN STRANGLES THE ANNOUNCER WITH THE CORD TO HIS MICROPHONE BEFORE LEAVING THE ARENA

 

ELSEWHERE, IN AN DARK ALLEY OUTSIDE OF EAST RUTHERFORD A STRUNG OUT COLONPOKEY WAKES UP LATE IN THE AFTERNOON.

 

Colonpokey: (to a random man walking by)  Want some pokey?  It won’t cost you too much.

 

StrungOutColonpokey

 

COLONPOKEY GATHERS HIMSELF AND STANDS UP.  

 

Colonpokey: (to another passer by) 10 dollah pokey here…want some pokey…I see you looking…

 

THE PASSERBY IGNORES COLONPOKEY.  COLONPOKEY SEES ANOTHER STRANGER WALKING BY.

 

Colonpokey: Want some pokey?  You ain’t never had pokey like this pokey!

 

THE STRANGER IGNORES COLONPOKEY.  COLONPOKEY SEES A MAN IN A PIMP SUIT APPROACHING .

 

Colonpokey: You look like a man that knows what he wants – pokey!  I can give you some pokey….in exchange for some of the good stuff (Colonpokey taps the inside of his forearm)

 

THE MAN IN A PIMP SUIT STOPS BUT DOES NOT RESPOND TO COLONPOKEY.

 

Colonpokey: Come on man…let me get some of that good PED…I need it man…I will do anything…I will be your pokey…

 

Pimp Goodell:  Still haven’t learned your lesson Colonpokey.  (he hands Colonpokey a paper)  Two more Oddysseys!

 

Colonpokey: (reading the paper)  Oh no!  I’m suspended again!

 

PimpGoodell

 

Pimp Goodell:  I’m afraid so Colonpokey.  The evidence is overwhelming.  And if there is one thing I don’t do, its ignore evidence.  In particular this evidence.  And when I say in particular what I really mean is arbitrarily and up to my sole discretion without review….Two more Oddysseys!!!

 

BACK AT THE BARN, PIGGY IS STILL CRYING IN THE SHOWER

 

The Flying Pig:  SQUEAL…I guess I do miss my friends a little…I’m sure they are happy though….SQUEAL

 

HUMANS,  DON’T MAKE A PIGGY CRY IN THE SHOWER.  IF YOU HAVE BEEN ABSENT FROM THE BLOG, FOR ANY REASON, STOP BY AND SAY OINK.

 

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