THE PORCINE ODDYSSEY #85: DOLPHINS @ BRONCOS

PeytonManningYouLike

MUSTACHIO IS WORKING IN A BARBER SHOP IN ROME.  HE IS TRIMMING A CUSTOMER’S MUSTACHE

Mustachio:  (singing while he trimes the customer’s mustache) Capra, carpetta che bruchi tra l’erbertta, vuoi una manciata

Marco (the customer):  Mustachio – you are a genius of facial hair.  You are so talented

Mustachio:  (singing while he trims the customer’s mustache) Il sale e salato, il bimbo e bel prato, la mamma e alls font…

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 Mustachio at Work

Marco:  And you seem so felice!  You must love your work?

Mustachio:  Naturelament Marco.  But my true passion is watching the Dolphins…if only I was in Miami again….

Marco:  Why don’t you go back?

Mustachio:  Merda!  I don’t have the money to buy a ticket home…so I am stuck here in Rome with that puttana Mrs. Mustachio (his eyes tear up)  Oh…I love her so but she gives her amore to everyone else…

Marco:  Well keep saving up you denaro…a tip here…a tip there…you will have enough to fly back to Miami.  Besides You don’t want to go back this week.  The Dolphins are playing the Broncos.  Peyton Manning is going to porta il tuo asino!

Mustachio:  Well enough about me.  I’m all finished!  You like?  (giving Marco a mirror)

Marco Mustache You Likepsd

Marco:  Ah Maginifiche! Mustachio you are the best in Rome…well maybe not as good as Il Pantaloni…but he is so expensive.  But you on the other hand…(he flips a coin to Mustachio) veto affare…what a bargain!

MARCO STANDS UP FROM THE CHAIR BRUSHES THE HAIR OFF HIMSELF AND WALKS TOWARDS THE DOOR OF THE BARBER SHOP WHISTLING 

Marco:  Oh (turning around)  and tell Mrs. Mustachio I said ciao!  (winking)

MARCO WALKS OUT OF THE SHOP

Mustachio:  Mrs. Mustachio?  What does he mean?  How doe she know her?

ANTONIO, THE BARBER SHOP OWNER, APPROACHES MUSTACHIO AND PUTS HIS ARM AROUND MUSTACHIO 

Antonio:  Mustachio, do not worry about what Marco said…worry about your job, no?

Mustachio:  Do you think he is avendo un affare with my wife?

Antonio:  Probably…there is only one thing more certain than another man’s penis inside your wife, and that is that the Broncos are going to beat the Dolphins handily…Mustachio, you have to give up this dream of going back to Miami…there is nothing to see there…The Dolphins are no good!

Mustachio:  No!  I will not give up my dream!  I love the Dolphins.  Ryan Tannehill is really starting to come along.  He is Il Fuoco!

Guiseppe (another barber in the shop):   Antonio, you know Mustachio is the best barber here!  And the Dolphins aren’t so bad either.  That defense is looking molto dura!

Antonio:  Don’t put ideas inside his head Guiseppe!

Guiseppe:   (ignoring Anotnio)  Mustachio, you should enter Il Grand Cut you might win!  I’ve never seen anyone with your skills!  You are the best!

Antonio:  Guiseppe you asino!  You know Il Pantaloni wins ll Grand Cut every year!  He is the best!

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Guiseppe:   Mustachio can beat Il Pantaloni!  (whispering)  He is even better than him.

Antonio:  Ridicolo!  No one can beat Il Pantaloni!  (picking up his coat)  besides his wife is zoccola!  (heading to the door)

Mustachio:  What does that have to do with anything?

Antonio:  (trying to be nice to Mustachio)  I’m just saying Mustachio…your wife is a whore…but…eh…tell her I said ciao, okay (winking an then walking out of the barber shop)

Mustachio:  Him too!  Affanculo!!!

Guiseppe:   Mustachio, you should enter that contest…you are the best!  And you can win a lot of money

Mustachio:  And get my money to go back to Miami!  And watch the Dolphins!

Guiseppe:   Si!

Mustachio:  But where is the contest?

Guiseppe:   Right in our backyard.  In The Coliseum…where every great battle takes place.  You can enter today and win it by the end of the day…its not too late!

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Mustachio:  And if I win, Mrs. Mustachio will love me!

Guiseppe:   eh…she loves everyone a little bit…but tell her I said ciao, okay?  (winking, then running out of the shop)

LATER THAT DAY AFTER MUSTACHIO ENTERS IL GRAN CUT, HE IS INTRODUCED AT A PACKED COLISEUM 

Announcer:  And now for the newcomer.  You probably know his wife already but this is his first appearance in Il Gran Cut, meet Mustachio

MUSTACHIO WALKS INTO THE CENTER OF THE COLISEUM AND BOWS.  THEN HE WALKS TO A BARBER CHAIR, WHERE A VOLUNTEER CUSTOMER AWAITS.

Volunteer Customer: How did I get stuck with the new guy!  You better not mess this up!

MUSTACHIO BEGINS TO CUT AT THE MAN’S FACIAL HAIR AND HAIR.  HAIR FLIES ALL AROUND HIM RAPIDLY.  THE CROWD GASPS AT HOW FAST MUSTACHIO WORKS.  MUSTACHIO THEN STOPS AND GIVES THE MAN A MIRROR.  THE CROWD IS SILENT.

Mustachio:  You like?

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Volunteer Customer: Oh mio dio..come e bello (he begins to cry)  It’s beautiful!

THE CROWD STANDS UP CHEERING

Chants from the Crowd:  Vivo Mustachio!

Announcer:  Mustachio scored a 98.  The second highest score of the first round,  just behind Il Pantaloni…great score Mustachio!  Tell your wife I said Ciao!

Mustachio:  Affanculo!  Even the announcer!

Chants from the Crowd:  Viva Mrs. Mustachio, la piu grande prostituta of Rome!

Mustachio:  Okay…Okay…I get it already!

Chants from the Crowd:  Tell her we said Ciao!

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ROUND AFTER ROUND, MUSTACHIO CONTINUED TO CUT INCREDIBLE MUSTACHES, BEARDS, GOATEES, SIDEBURNS, HAIR AND EVEN EYEBROWS.  THE CROWD BEGAN TO CHEER THE UNDERDOG NEWCOMER ON.  BUT HIS SCORES FELL JUST SHORT OF IL PANTALONE, WHO WAS IN FIRST PLACE MOST OF THE COMPETITION.  MUSTACHIO, WHO DID MANAGE SECOND PLACE QUALIFIED FOR THE FINAL ROUND WITH FLOBEE, BEING THE THIRD CONTESTANT TO QUALIFY FOR THE FINAL ROUND… AND THEN THERE WERE THREE…

THE THREE FINALISTS STAND IN THE CENTER OF THE COLISEUM, SIDE BY SIDE, WHILE THEY ARE INTRODUCED AND THE CROWD APPLAUDS.  

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Flobee:  I can’t believe I’m here in the final three.  I’m half retarded!

Mustachio:  Relax…we earned it!

Il Pantalone: (to Mustachio)  I don’t know who you think you are…but You may as well give up now.  This competition is mine.

Mustachio:  (to Flobee) Arrogante Coltello…who does he think he is…

Flobee:  (to Mustachio)  He is the best Mustachio.  The Peyton Manning of the facial hair cuttery world.  But I have to admit, you are really good too.  If he wasn’t so far ahead in points you might have a chance.  It was a pleasure to finish in 3rd place behind you.  Kind of like the Dolphins losing to the Broncos

Mustachio:  Nonsense!  We can win this!

Flobee:  But we are losing by at least 110 Points each!  Every normal client is only worth 100 points at best.  The only way to score enough points to catch him is to take on the secret client in this round (he points to a box covering a secret client)

Mustachio:  Secret client?

Flobee:  Yeah but who knows what is behind that box…I don’t dare to find out…

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Mustachio:  I’m winning this!  I will take on the secret client?

Flobee:  You inspire me with your courage Mustachio….

Announcer:  Welcome our three finalists!  The first finalist to perform is Flobee.  Flobee…move to your client?

Flobee:  Not so fast!  I select…the secret client!

Announcer:  The secret client!  No one has ever dared to select the secret client before!  Le Gonadi!  Very well…Lift the Box!  Reveal the secret client!

THE BOX IS LIFTED AND THE SECRET CLIENT IS REVEAL.  THE CROWD GASPS IN SHOCK.  A FEW FAINT.

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Flobee:  Oh my God!  Its Chewbacca!!!

FLOBEE’S HEAD EXPLODES AND HE DIES

BEFORE FLOBEE DIES HE LIFTS HIS HAND HOLDING A NOTE FOR MUSTACHIO.  MUSTACHIO TAKES THE NOTE AND READS IT.

Mustachio:  (reading from the note)  It was a pleasure to compete against you Mustachio.  You are the best.  Also tell you wife I said Ciao!

Announcer:  Now its down to two.  Il Pantalone, the seven time reigning champion and newcomer Mustachio.

Il Pantalone: (to Mustachio) Congratulations on second place.  No one will hold it against you for refusing to cut Chewbacca.  I win…again!!!

Mustachio:  (throwing the note on the ground and yelling to the audience)  Bring the Wookie to me!!!

Announcer:  Mustachio has elected to cut Chewbacca.  This newcomer is something else!  He can win with a good score on Chewbacca! 

Chewbacca:  Growl

MUSTACHIO CAUTIOUSLY APPROACHES CHEWBACCA.   

Mustachio:  Easy Chewbacca…Easy…

CHEWBACCA SITS IN A BARBER CHAIR AND MUSTACHIO STANDS BEHIND HIM.

Chewbacca:  Growl

MUSTACHIO  BEGINS TO CUT FRANTICALLY AROUND THE WOOKIE, HIDING HIS WORK FROM THE CROWD.  WOOKIE HAIR IS FLYING EVERYWHERE.  SWEAT DRIPS OF MUSTACHIO, MUSTACHIO COLLAPSES.  CHEWBACCA HELPS HIM UP.  

Chewbacca:  (encouraging Mustachio)  Finish This and Growl!

MUSTACHIO  WIPES THE SWEAT AWAY AND TAKES A DEEP BREATH.  HE BEGINS CUTTING AGAIN.  WOOKIE HAIR FLIES EVERYWHERE IN THE COLISEUM. 

FINALLY HE FINISHES.  MUSTACHIO HANDS CHEWBACCA A MIRROR.  HE STANDS NEXT TO HIS GREATEST WORK AND BOWS BEFORE THE AUDIENCE CONFIDENTLY. THE AUDIENCE IS SILENT.  

Mustachio:  You like?

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The New Chewbacca

Chewbacca:  Growl

THE CROWD IS STILL SILENT

MUSTACHIO STANDS STRAIGHT UP AND THROWS HIS SCISSORS ON THE GROUND

Mustachio:  (screaming to the crowd)  Are you not entertained?  Are you not entertained?  Is this  not why you are here (spitting on the ground)

THE CROWD BEGINS TO BOO MUSTACHIO MERCILESSLY.  THEY THROW TOMATOES AT HIM.

Announcer:  Mustachio for the crime of disgracing a Wookie:  You are disqualified from Il Gran Cut!  The winner for the eighth consecutive year is Il Pantalone who wins all the prize money.  Congratulations Il Pantalone! Winner once again.  Now go home Mustachio…you jerk!

LATER THAT DAY MUSTACHIO RETURNS HOME TO HIS ROMAN APARTMENT.  HE WALKS IN THE DOOR.  HE HAS TEARS IN HIS EYES.

Mustachio:  (calling out)  Mrs. Mustachio…where are you…I had a rough day today…where are you?

MUSTACHIO NOTICES A PAIR OF MEN’S PANTS ON THE LIVING ROOM FLOOR.  

Mustachio:  Mrs. Mustachio?

MUSTACHIO PEEKS INTO THE BEDROOM WHERE HE SEES A NAKED IL PANTALONE WITH MRS. MUSTACHIO.

Mrs. Mustachio:  (removing her robe and whispering to Il Pantalone)  You like?

MUSTACHIO GASPS IN HORROR AND MOVES AWAY FROM THE BEDROOM DOOR.   

Mustachio:  Bastardo!  First the prize money, now my whore wife!

MUSTACHIO NOTICES THE PRIZE MONEY IN THE PANTS LEFT IN THE LIVING ROOM

Mustachio:  (to himself)  I thought Chewbacca looked good…bacio mi asino Peyton Manning!!!  Papa Johns has shitty pizza!

MUSTACHIO GRABS THE PRIZE MONEY FROM THE PANTS AND RUNS OUT OF THE APARTMENT AND TO THE AIRPORT

THE NEXT DAY, AT PIGGY’S BARN OUTSIDE OF MIAMI, PIGGY IS GETTING READY TO WATCH THE DOLPHINS vs BRONCOS GAME ON TV.  THERE IS A KOCK ON THE DOOR

The Flying Pig:  (opening the door)  Who is it now?

Mustachio:  It’s me my little Prosciutto!  I’m back!  Have you seen the new Jarvis Landry mic’d up video

http://www.miamidolphins.com/multimedia/videos/Jarvis_Landry_Micd_Up/782984f2-a8e4-415b-83dd-bc85ee35cfa6

The Flying Pig:  Landry is the real deal.  Where have you been anyway?

Mustachio:  In Rome.   My wife is a whore!  So What!  Go Dolphins!  Dolphins 31 Broncos 27!

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