The Porcine Oddyssey #97:
A Dolphins Carol,
Dolphins at Redskins
(Piggy tucks himself into bed)
The Flying Pig: (to himself as he closes his eyes) Its almost game day. What a great offseason the Dolphins had…Well of course we had a great offseason.
We have Ryan Tannehill. He was the obvious pick for the Dolphins in 2012. Since the Dolphins drafted him in 2012 it was basically a foregone conclusion the Dolphins would be competing to be a contender eventually. And here we are, on the eve of the 2015 season. I can’t wait to fall asleep and dream about the 2015 season. We are going to the Super Bowl! Football is so predictable…
A Voice: Piggy….
The Flying Pig: What was that?
A Voice: Piggy…open your eyes…
The Flying Pig: Who said that (opening his eyes and getting out of bed)
A Voice: I said it Piggy…look at me…I am the Ghost of Ryan Tannehill
The Flying Pig: The Ghost of Ryan Tannehill?!?! It can’t be! Ryan Tannehill is alive and well and the quarterback of the Miami Dolphins!
The Ghost of Ryan Tannehill: Don’t worry yourself with technicalities Piggy…you had 8 beers before you went to bed.
The Flying Pig: Well…I’m under a lot of stress with the start of the NFL season and all…
The Ghost of Ryan Tannehill: You think it was destiny Piggy? You think the Dolphins only had eyes for me and there were no other QBs the Dolphins might pick in 2012?
The Flying Pig: Well Yeah…
The Ghost of Ryan Tannehill: Foolish Pork! The 2012 draft could have been a disaster for the Dolphins!
The Flying Pig: No way! Ryan Tannehill born to be a Dolphin. We saved our disasters for the 2nd and 3rd round in those years. Besides there was no other realistic option for the Dolphins…
The Ghost of Ryan Tannehill: Before you wake tomorrow, you will be visited by 3 ghosts….(he floats away)
The Flying Pig: (Piggy pulls the covers over himself) I’m never drinking stout beer again…
SUDDENLY THERE IS A SCRATCHING SOUND AT THE DOOR. PIGGY GOES TO THE DOOR OUT OF CURIOSITY.
THERE IS MORE SCRATCHING AND A WHINING SOUND.
PIGGY OPENS THE DOOR AND A PUPPY IS AT THE DOOR.
The Puppy: Piggy…I am RG Flea
The Flying Pig: Oh…you are cute little guy (scratching him behind the ear)
RG Flea: I am here to tell you about the past…well April 2012 to be exact…
The Flying Pig: You mean when we drafted Tanny?
RG Flea: (licking Piggy’s face) Yep…but you could have drafted RGIII instead.
The Flying Pig: (pushing the puppy away) awww…stop it now….we weren’t stupid enough to draft that bust…
RG Flea: Piggy, once upon a time in April 2012, there was a legitimate debate as to who should be the #1 pick in the draft: Andrew Luck or RGIII.
The Flying Pig: No Tanny?
RG Flea: No…but there were rumors that three teams would consider trading to the #2 spot in the draft to take whomever was left…the Browns, The Redskins and your Dolphins…
The Flying Pig: What? Stupid Puppy! Do you have brain damage. What did Michael Vick do to you? (shaking the puppy) What did Vick do to you?!?!
RG Flea: No its true Piggy…all of it…RGIII had a rocket arm and ran a 4.41 at the combine. He was an All American at Baylor in football and track! And it seems the draft hype carried into his rookie year. He was named offensive rookie of the year in 2012 and helped make the read option a fashionable play.
But the Dolphins made the mistake of not trading up for RGIII and settled on Ryan Tannehill, a wide receiver!
The Flying Pig: Settled! Stupid Puppy…get out of my house. (dragging the puppy by the collar to the door) I have heard enough of your barks. (He opens the door and throws the puppy out of the house)
RG Flea: And one more thing…sorry…
The Flying Pig: Sorry…for what?
RG Flea: Sorry I pooped in your slippers…
The Flying Pig: Damnit!
THERE IS ANOTHER KNOCK AT THE DOOR
The Flying Pig: Go away Puppy!
THE KNOCK CONTINUES AND PIGGY OPENS THE DOOR TO YELL AT THE PUPPY. BUT THE PUPPY ISN’T THERE ANYMORE. THIS TIME A BROKEN TEA CUP IS THERE.
RG Tea: Piggy…do you know how much the Redskins gave up for RG III? Four picks! Their first round picks in 2012, 2013 and 2014 and a second round pick in 2012. Ouch!
The Flying Pig: What happened to you teacup? You are broken?
RG Tea: Do you know how many 1st round offensive line men the Redskins took on day 1 of the draft since Griffin…zero! This is what happens when you ignore the offensive line!
The Flying Pig: Oh…
RG Tea: And no weapons either…meanwhile the Colts selected Coby Fleener, Dwayne Allen and TY Hilton in 2012 to play with Andrew Luck.
The Flying Pig: And the Dolphins selected Jonathan Martin and Michael Egnew (Piggy makes a farting sound)
RG Tea: Well…okay it didn’t work out so well in 2012 after Tannehill with the first pick. But the Dolphins eventually may have fixed that and they also acquired Olivier Vernon, Lamar Miller and Rishard Matthews in 2012 as well..Meanwhile the Redskins…well presently they look like shit…And that’s why I’m here to tell you about the present.
The Flying Pig: I will tell you about the present! Ryan Tannehill is gonna surpass his numbers from 2014.
RG Tea: He might…he is gonna have to pass for 4,000 yards for a second consecutive year to do it…but he might..while that happens RG III has become a diva quarterback who can’t stay healthy, runs before throwing and won’t play another down for the Redskins. The Redskins have named Kirk Cousins as their #1 QB and Colt McCoy as their #2 QB.
The Flying Pig: Kirk Cousins is going to be eaten alive on Sunday! Growl!!!
RG Tea: He might be, not only are the Redskins down a Quarterback, they are down three other starters with those extra draft picks they gave up. Those picks could have been offensive linemen. Instead the Redskins offensive line looked like garbage in the preseason…There is no future for RGIII behind that Oline…but don’t listen to me talk about the future, Let RG Me tell you about the future…
The Flying Pig: Who?
RG Me: He said RG Me Piggy…that’s me!
The Flying Pig: But you are a mirror?
RG Me: That’s right. Who better to describe the future of a narcissistic diva than a mirror. While the media and fans were ignoring Ryan Tannehill, RG III was racking up endorsements with Adidas, Castro Motor Oil, EA Sports, Subway and Gatorade…He was a marketing monster. So I’m sure he stashed away a ton of money so it doesn’t matter what happens to his NFL career
The Flying Pig: Meanwhile Ryan Tannehill was working on his game.
RG Me: That’s right Piggy…but it could have been the Dolphins instead of the Redskins…
The Flying Pig: No…you are lying…not even Jeff Ireland…
RG Me: No Piggy…I am telling the truth…Look deeper into me and see it…
The Flying Pig: No I won’t…but I guess I should look a little….(staring into the mirror) SQUEAL SQUEAL!!! What is it.. What the fuck happened to my teeth?!?!
RG Me: Look at it Piggy. This is what you could have been. An RGIII fan! Saying things like ” When we get RGIII back” or “this offense is a bad fit for him” or “at least he is fun to play in Madden”
The Flying Pig: No! SQUEAL SQUEAL SQUEAL!!! Take me back. Take me to reality! I want Tanny as my QB! I want Tanny as my QB!
PIGGY WAKES UP AND IT IS GAMEDAY. HE PUTS ON HIS TANNEHILL JERSEY AND SPITS ON HIS DION JORDAN JERSEY.