Well its the Offseason
And you know what that means
Um…no one wants to write or has anything to write about….
But come with me…
Come with me to an Oddyssey Flashback
All this talk about Tannehill and coaches..it got me oinking…
Remember when we used to talk about Henne being trained to check down..
Here it is…the story if Killroy Pig…Re-Porked
PORKLOGUE: Well this week I hate my job more than ever and I think it will show in today’s Oddyssey which is a short little ditty about old memories. Domo Arigato!
PIGGY IS SITTING ON THE COUCH. HE IS NOT WEARING PANTS…AGAIN…
The Flying Pig: (playing with the remote control) …wow there is nothing on tv…
Wedge: (walking in the room) Piggy?
Psychic GPS: (walking in the room) Do you have a minute?
Colonpokey: (following GPS and Wedge and whispering to GPS and Wedge) He is not wearing pants…again…
The Flying Pig: What’s up guys? Have a seat.(patting the spot on the sofa next to him)
Wedge: eh…no thank you
GPS: I will stand…Colonpokey: Okay! (sitting next to Piggy and sitting uncomfortably close him)
The Flying Pig: (pushing Colonpokey farther away from him) Why is everyone looking at me like that?
Psychic GPS: it’s the pants Piggy…
The Flying Pig: What pants?
Psychic GPS: exactly!
The Flying Pig: Oh, I see…You guys have a problem with my bojangles! (defensively) If you have a problem with my bojangles just say so…
Psychic GPS: It’s not your bojangles!
Wedge: It’s the fact that you never wear pants anymore?
The Flying Pig: Oh that…
Colonpokey: I don’t mind Piggy. I like your bojangles
The Flying Pig: (pushing Colonpokey farther away) You see Wedge on Earth it’s customary to…
Wedge: Oh no Piggy. I’m not falling for that one again. Last time you told me something on Earth was customary I woke up greased up, sore and in jail…
The Flying Pig: Hah hah…what a weekend that was…
Psychic GPS: Piggy, this is no laughing matter! You never wear pants anymore…Its uncomfortable for the rest of us. Put some pants on once in a while!
Colonpokey: but not yet
Psychic GPS: Electronic Anger! Colonpokey this is supposed to be an intervention. Stop encouraging him…
Colonpokey: Oops…sorry dark wizard…
Psychic GPS: Look Piggy. You have to start wearing pants. Its just weird not to!
The Flying Pig: GPS, I happened to notice that you are wearing pants when you said that…
Psychic GPS: So?
The Flying Pig: So try saying it without pants…it’s liberating
Psychic GPS: What! No! I’m not going to go pantless and let all my tracking devices hang out!
Wedge: Piggy…what is so great about not wearing pants?
The Flying Pig: I see. You don’t understand. Okay everyone. Gather Around…Piggy is going to tell you a story. A story about the oppression of pants!
The Flying Pig’s Pantless Voiceover: Once upon a time, not long ago, in a place very similar to this place, there was a pig named Killroy. He was a smart Piggy. His future was bright. Killroy Pig could have done anything he wanted when he graduated from the University of Michigan, but Killroy had to pay off his student loans, so Killroy Pig needed a job…
KILLROY PIG IS SITTING IN FRONT OF DESK IN A CHAIR. A HUMAN IS SITTING AT THE DESK READING HIS RESUME, WHILE KILLROY ANXIOUSLY WAITS FOR THE HUMAN TO SAY SOMETHING TO HIM
Boss Henning: I see you’re a Wolverine…
Killroy Pig: Um…I’m a pig
Boss Henning: Of course you are a pig (laughing) I meant your school
Killroy Pig: Oh (embarrassed) Yes, I am graduate of the University of Michigan
Boss Henning: That is great. Boss Bill loves Big Ten guys…Well look, you are more than qualified for the job. Your grades are excellent, you are a smart pig and you have a big arm, so how bout you start on Monday?
Killroy Pig: Monday! That is great. I will be here at 9:00 A.M. sharp! Weeeeeeeeeeee
Boss Henning: Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee from me to you. Look one thing…Um…you have to wear pants…that won’t be a problem will it?
Killroy Pig: Pants? No, why would that be a problem? I love pants. Whatever the job requires! Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
DAY 1 ON THE JOB
Boss Henning: Write on time Killroy (shaking Killroy’s trotter) and nice pants!
Killroy Pig: Thanks. They are new! I love wearing pants! Weeeeeeeeeeeeeee
Boss Henning: Let me take you around the office. This (pointing to his left) is the reception area. I am sure by now, you have met the receptionist Priscilla
Killroy Pig: Yes (waiving to Priscilla)
Priscilla the Hot Pig Receptionist: Nice meting you Killroy (winking)
Boss Henning: And this (opening the door into a large room) this is our conference room. And over here (moving into the main area of the office) these are the window offices. Everyone wants one! And this area right here…
Killroy Pig: Where is my window office?
Boss Henning: Oh…not so fast Killroy…Check down Killroy, check down. This is your cubicle (pointing to a small cubicle in front of him) right in front of my office, so you can come right away, when I need something
DAY 6 ON THE JOB
Boss Henning: Killroy?
Killroy Pig: (running in Boss Henning’s office with coffee) Here is your coffee.
Boss Henning: Thanks Killroy. I want you to meet Chad. (introducing a man standing next to him) Chad is a veteran here. We really trust his judgment. Listen Killroy, we have a new project, and we are looking for someone to head the new project…
Killroy Pig: And you want me to head the new project? (excited)
Boss Henning: Whoa! Check down Killroy, check down. Chad is heading the new project. You can hold his clipboard.
Killroy Pig: oh…
Boss Henning Hey, I noticed you are walking a little stiff today. Are you okay?
Killroy Pig: My joints feel a little stiff
Boss Henning: Happens to all of us when we work so hard! Here take two of these (handing Killroy two small pills) By the way Killroy, nice pants!
DAY 70 ON THE JOB
Pricilla the Hot Pig Receptionist: Nice Pants Killroy (flirting)
Killroy Pig: Oh thank you Priscilla. You look really pretty today. Hey do you want to…
Boss Henning: Killroy (calling Killroy to him)
Killroy Pig: Yes?
Boss Henning: I noticed you talking to Priscilla a lot lately. I have these two tickets to the game tonight…
Killroy Pig: For me?
Boss Henning: Yes. For you! I want you to take my niece to the game tonight.
Killroy Pig: Your niece? But Priscilla…
Boss Henning: Priscilla? Oh Don’t worry about her. I’m taking her to dinner tonight…Check down Killroy, check down. Meet my niece, Drips!
AN UGLY WOMAN WHO IS DROOLING ON HERSELF ENTERS THE ROOM
Drips: Hi Killroy (slurring)
Killroy Pig: eh…Hi
Drips: Is that a wire coming of your snout?
Killroy Pig: Um…Yes…I guess it is. (wiping his snout and removing the wire) That is weird…
Drips: Oh it’s not so weird. Things come out of my nose all the time. Most of the time I don’t even know what they are! Let’s go to the game now. (grabbing Killroy’s trotter) Nice pants!
DAY 112 ON THE JOB
Boss Henning: Killroy. I’m so happy to hear you and Drips had a great weekend together…again. (putting his arm around Killroy) Maybe now is the time to make an honest woman out of her.
Killroy Pig: Oh…eh…yeah…I guess that is not such a bad idea
Boss Henning: Hey. What’s with your voice? It sound sort of mechanical…eh…doesn’t really matter. I have good news for you. We are ready for you to head a project.
Killroy Pig: Really! Me!
Boss Henning: Yes! Isn’t that great. But one thing Killroy. You have to follow my explicit directions. No improvising and no audibles.
Killroy Pig: Can’t I make a few decisions myself?
Boss Henning: No. Check down Killroy, check down. By the way, nice pants.
DAY 238 ON THE JOB
Boss Henning: Killroy! How is my nephew-in-law doing today! Weeeeeeeeeee
Killroy Pig: Beep Beep…oops, I mean Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee. I am doing great. One thing is a little weird though Boss. You know this project I am heading. I happened to notice that it’s actually a robot manufacturing project
Boss Henning: Yes…so?
Killroy Pig: Well, um, some of the robots, well they look like former employees here…is there something going on here I should know about.
Boss Henning: Check down Killroy, check down. Mind your own business. Do the job.
DAY 400 ON THE JOB
Killroy Pig: Beep Beep Beep. Check down Killroy, check down. Beep Beep Beep
Boss Henning: Yes, Killroy (maniacally laughing) Check down…Now, join the other robots in the assembly line. This is the rest of your life!
The Flying Pig’s Pantless Voiceover: And that was it! Killroy Pig became a robot
Psychic GPS: That is the dumbest story I ever heard. Did you just make that up?
Wedge: Maybe it was all the check downs that made him a robot
The Flying Pig: No Wedge…I mean yes, it was the check downs. But it was the pants first! You see (whispering) Pants lead to check downs. Check downs make you turn into a robot, then you marry an ugly woman, have 2.2 piglets, that leads to a mortgage you can’t pay for, so you have to work harder, like a good robot and then Wedge, that leads to suffering! I won’t do it! When Killroy put on those pants, he spit on the great pigs before him and our noble traditions! We don’t wear pants. Look at these bojangles! I am not a robot! You hear me I am not a robot!
Mustachio: (walking in the barn) Bon Journo everyone. Affanculo Piggy! Your Sopressata!
Psychic GPS: Piggy! Go put on some pants, so we don’t get arrested at the game!
The Flying Pig: Okay. Okay. Under one condition…
Wedge: Okay What is that?
PIGGY STARES AT EACH OF THEM SILENTLY. THEN PIGGY FARTS AND WALKS OUT OF THE ROOM
The Flying Pig: (calling out from the other rooms) I’m putting on my pants now…Go Dolphins!