The Porcine Oddyssey #93: Three Steps to Acquiring La’el Collins


Well if you don’t know La’el Collins signed with the Cowboys.  Also you missed an entire year of life.

That said.  I enjoyed writing this Oddyssey even though it didn’t work out for us.

Enjoy the flashback




Three Steps to Acquiring La’el Collins


I know what you are thinking: How can the Dolphins acquire La’el Collins?  Well rest your heavy human heads, I’ve mapped out a three step process.

This is a sure way to make sure the Dolphins acquire La’el Collins.


Baton Rouge Police Investigation taking too long?  Of course it is!  The Dolphins play a meaningful game in four months.  We got no time for investigations.

Evidence Stotage Furnace

Don’t blame the BRPD.  Get Involved!  Pitch in.  Hey Baton Rouge, I can help you with your investigation.  Let me help.   You look exhausted.  Don’t worry about compiling evidence.  I got this!  Now I’m not suggesting that there is any evidence that can be used against Collins.  I’m suggesting that I don’t care – because football!


Offer the police a viable alternative.  Now you may be thinking to yourself “Piggy are you saying we should frame some one innocent?”  Well think about this.  “Frame” is an ugly word.  Stop judging me.  It makes you look like a jerk.

I bet you know some one with a guilty look. I can think of some one that has it coming.

GreedyPigSTEP 2:  PAY HIM

There is some sort of restrictions about paying undrafted rookies. Blah Blah Blah.  Who cares!  This guy went to LSU and he is expecting to get paid no matter what the rules say.  So you have to up the ante.  You can’t just give him cars and stuff, he is used to that.  We got that Dion Jordan waived money now!  Hey La’el, how did Dion Jordan’s money end up in your lap?  I’m gonna walk away now.


Collins is probably going to want more than that.  Well, remember La’el there is no State Tax in Florida.  Not impressed?  Let’s talk about taxes at a strip club.  Dear Mr. Ross, this is a perfect time to show Dolfans you want to win and loan me your credit card.


Miami Dolphins v Houston Texans

You already know there is no State Tax in Florida because I mentioned it a half a dozen times.  Miami has a bunch of other perks though.  First of all, you can leave your garbage anywhere you like and our coach will pick it up for you.

Second, we have lots of drugs and hookers and they are easy to find because they are usually together.

Third, Miami is full of beautiful scenery.  Sure you can buy that duplex next to a sewage facility in Buffalo.  But in Miami you have great weather all year round, no matter where you live.  Instead of snow, there is an ocean and its filled with water which isn’t frozen.  What else?  What else?  Oh I don’t know…Miami just makes me smile for some reason.


So there you have it.  Apply these three steps and La’el Collins is ours.  Unless he really did something illegal.  Then let the Patriots have him…

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474 Responses to The Porcine Oddyssey #93: Three Steps to Acquiring La’el Collins

  1. wyoming85 says:

    One more try!

  2. Tim Knight says:

    LOL @ Wyo

  3. Tim Knight says:

    It seems like this could be a real possibility. We’d likely release Jennings and give that money to Matthews. We’d have a strong 4 WR corps.

    • wyoming85 says:

      That sounds like a great idea to me!!!!!!!!

      • Tim Knight says:

        Yeah we could rotate a quality 4 and RT goes to the open man. Matthews was really good in the middle of the field making tough catches. Landry does what he does, Parker showed both outside and inside skills and Stills is more of a perimeter player.

        I hope RT and Parker work on fade routes quite a bit this offseason, Parker is tailor made for that route.

  4. Tim Knight says:

    Jarvis Landry 110-165 1,157 10.5 4TD 50LG 10-20+
    Rishard Matthews 43-61 662 15.4 4TD 53LG 10-20+
    DeVante Parker 26-51 494 19.0 3TD 49LG 9-20+
    Kenny Stills 27 -63 440 16.3 3TD 47LG 10-20+

  5. 81Howie says:

    They all got 9 or 10 for 20+
    YAC isnt a problem with this corps…
    Bet it would have been much more had Mathews and Parker not been limited.
    and we all remember that 50LG from Landry

  6. steveccnv says:

    Tim, on Matthews, this is the kind of situation I’ve talked about often on here. I’d tell Matthews you surely could get a bigger $$ contract elsewhere, but your chances of make more money here are greater. He fits in with RT, he’s an established Dolphin, so his chances of having a longer career by staying with the Dolphins is greater. Do you really want to go to another team, learn a new offense, that you might not be best suited for?

    • steveccnv says:

      I hope we have someone in the organization that can talk to Matthews and tell him how much he’s needed, it worked for the Panthers when Cam said that to Oher.

      • dbolt48 says:

        If Matthews goes back and looks at Ryan Tannehill interviews during the season he’d feel appreciated. Whenever people would fawn over what Parker would do during a game, Ryan would be quick to say Rushard brought the same ability. He’d credit Parker, but made sure to keep Matthews name in the conversation. I also think Tannenbaum before & after drafting Parker kept talking Rishard up publicly.

  7. finfanrob says:


    looks like fun. i would post a vid of me playing in a mud hole but i dont want to make piggy jealous and censor me.

  8. wyoming85 says:

    Joe Marino ‏@TheJoeMarino 36m36 minutes ago
    This cut produced by @RoloEdits
    shows Bama C Ryan Kelly’s ability to create running lanes & set proper pocket depth:

  9. Mike E. says:

    Like I’ve said earlier, RT is Matthews best chance for staying here. I think RT has a real good chemistry with him, and that should mean something

  10. Mike E. says:

    Yuck D-Bolt!

  11. dbolt48 says:

    Eat good tonight fellas😂

  12. Tim Knight says:

    Mike, good point on listening to his QB.

  13. 81Howie says:

    My guess is the inside of a Pig Vagina.
    Lets check with Piggy and see if I’m correct

  14. finfanrob says:

    81Howie says:
    February 21, 2016 at 7:28 pm

    My guess is the inside of a Pig Vagina.

    damn and here i just thought that was what it is like to drive into new jersey

  15. steveccnv says:

    The 2014 season was the yr of the YAC, the playoff games I saw seemed to be won by the team that had the most yards after catch. Matthews excels in YAC, he must be resigned, but not at the expense of over $6 mil.

  16. wyoming85 says:

    James McKinney ‏@ConchPhinsFan 59m59 minutes ago
    Miami Dolphins 2016 NFL Draft: Under the Radar Prospects

  17. The Flying Pig says:

    8: R1P8
    42: R2P11
    73: R3P10
    108: R4P9
    147: R5P8
    189: R6P11
    225: R7P6
    229: R7P10

    I went LB crazy
    And still got Garnett!!!

    Woop woop

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