Well if you don’t know La’el Collins signed with the Cowboys. Also you missed an entire year of life.
That said. I enjoyed writing this Oddyssey even though it didn’t work out for us.
Enjoy the flashback
THE PORCINE ODDYSSEY #93:
Three Steps to Acquiring La’el Collins
I know what you are thinking: How can the Dolphins acquire La’el Collins? Well rest your heavy human heads, I’ve mapped out a three step process.
This is a sure way to make sure the Dolphins acquire La’el Collins.
STEP 1: VOLUNTEER
Baton Rouge Police Investigation taking too long? Of course it is! The Dolphins play a meaningful game in four months. We got no time for investigations.
Don’t blame the BRPD. Get Involved! Pitch in. Hey Baton Rouge, I can help you with your investigation. Let me help. You look exhausted. Don’t worry about compiling evidence. I got this! Now I’m not suggesting that there is any evidence that can be used against Collins. I’m suggesting that I don’t care – because football!
Offer the police a viable alternative. Now you may be thinking to yourself “Piggy are you saying we should frame some one innocent?” Well think about this. “Frame” is an ugly word. Stop judging me. It makes you look like a jerk.
I bet you know some one with a guilty look. I can think of some one that has it coming.
STEP 2: PAY HIM
There is some sort of restrictions about paying undrafted rookies. Blah Blah Blah. Who cares! This guy went to LSU and he is expecting to get paid no matter what the rules say. So you have to up the ante. You can’t just give him cars and stuff, he is used to that. We got that Dion Jordan waived money now! Hey La’el, how did Dion Jordan’s money end up in your lap? I’m gonna walk away now.
Collins is probably going to want more than that. Well, remember La’el there is no State Tax in Florida. Not impressed? Let’s talk about taxes at a strip club. Dear Mr. Ross, this is a perfect time to show Dolfans you want to win and loan me your credit card.
STEP 3: EMPHASIZE MIAMI PERKS
You already know there is no State Tax in Florida because I mentioned it a half a dozen times. Miami has a bunch of other perks though. First of all, you can leave your garbage anywhere you like and our coach will pick it up for you.
Second, we have lots of drugs and hookers and they are easy to find because they are usually together.
Third, Miami is full of beautiful scenery. Sure you can buy that duplex next to a sewage facility in Buffalo. But in Miami you have great weather all year round, no matter where you live. Instead of snow, there is an ocean and its filled with water which isn’t frozen. What else? What else? Oh I don’t know…Miami just makes me smile for some reason.
So there you have it. Apply these three steps and La’el Collins is ours. Unless he really did something illegal. Then let the Patriots have him…