During the summer, when we wait for the football season to begin and swim in the ocean
We fear what might be beneath the surface of the ocean…
Sharks scare all of us.
And there is no shark more fearsome than:
THE GREAT WHITE SHARK
But not all sharks are so great.
There is at least one who is
well…kind of mediocre…
Meet The Mediocre White
slightly less accomplished than some of the other white sharks
and like you…a fan of the Miami Dolphins
On an August afternoon the Mediocre White was hunting seals with a two of his shark buddies
They found the perfect spot and were ready to feast.
The first Great White turned to the other Great White barely noticing the Mediocre White lagging behind both of them.
“What’s your plan?”
The Second Great White responded “I’m gonna go deep, get a big push and leap out of the water with the biggest seal in my jaws”
“Nice!”, the first Great White responded
“You’ll get in National Geographic…I plan something a little more dubious…I’m gonna bite a baby by the back of its’ tail, drag it a little father out to the ocean, wait for its’ mother to swim out to the baby, then eat her. Then I’ll eat the baby for dessert”
Impressed, the Second Great White turned to the Mediocre White “How about you?”
“Oh me?” The Mediocre Shark was barely paying attention
“Um…you know dude…I’m gonna like, put my fin above the water and like circle the seals and then eat one”
“lame” interrupted the First Great White
“What happened to you man? ” The Second Great White disappointedly said, “You used to be great. Now you are so…Mediocre…”
The two Great Whites swan away leaving The Mediocre White.
That day The Mediocre White didn’t eat any seals. Instead he thought to himself
In the 70’s he was Great.
One year, in 1972, he was perfect, never missing a seal or a human he hunted.
Those were the days, The Mediocre White was the envy of all the other sharks. He ate whatever he liked, he spawned with whatever shark he liked, he even roomed with Steven Spielberg in college. Some say he was the inspiration for Jaws.
Though he never achieved perfection again. He had some great moments after the 70’s.
In the early 80’s The Mediocre White continued to be a fearsome hunter in the ocean. At the same time he enjoyed watching the Dolphins make Super Bowl runs.
Despite a chum strike in ’82, he finished second among all sharks in surfer limbs eaten. Only a shark named Riggins ate more arms that year.
In ’83, he grew his greatest rookie tooth. By the tooth’s second year he was setting records for flesh eaten.
The Mediocre White almost enjoyed the new tooth as much as he enjoyed watching Dan Marino throw the ball.
By 1985 The Mediocre Shark was making great memories by eating Bears on prime time.
But as great as the tooth was, the Mediocre White failed to surround his tooth with quality other teeth.
Defensively, everything got through his mouth, and he found himself forced to digest entire scuba divers, tanks and all.
Unbelievably, during the tooth’s entire career, the shark failed to hunt down a 1000 yard swimmer.
Eventually when that special tooth fell out, the Mediocre Shark wondered if he was ever achieve what he did in the 70’s again.
Meanwhile the Dolphins moved from Don Shula to Jimmy Johnson to Dave Wannstedt
The Dolphins had a few great players in that time: Jason Taylor, Zach Thomas…Ricky Williams lead the league in rushing one year. And like the Dolphins the Mediocre White enjoyed eating an occasional swimmer.
But it was not what it used to be. He wasn’t really Great anymore…
Now it seemed these up and coming New England Sharks were eaten all the best humans
By the end of Wannstedts tenure it became obvious…he was just mediocre now…
So he left hunting and went in a different direction.
The Mediocre Shark took up engineering.
He wanted to build something. Just like he believed Nick Saban wanted to build something with the Dolphins.
In his first building project he built the Daunte Culpepper Bridge:
Saban would not accept failure and either would Mediocre White.
He really insisted on Building something!
Like Saban, his next building project made people cry.
So Saban would leave the Dolphins and The Mediocre White would leave engineering.
Now he was ready for a new direction.
The Dolphins hired Cam Cameron and The Mediocre White took up work as a Park Ranger.
At a county meeting he attend determine to make a difference
“Broh’s” he pleaded to the County Council,
“We need to stop the deer deaths on the highway”
The Mediocre White raised his fin, “I propose we move the deer crossing signs away from the highway to a place less dangerous for the deer to cross, we should move the signs to the middle of the forrest”.
That year deer deaths on the highway increased by 800%
As the Dolphins moved on from Cam Cameron The Mediocre White also moved on from being a Park Ranger.
The Big Tuna was ready to turn things around for the Dolphins and the Mediocre White was ready to turn things around for himself as well. He took a job with the City.
Everyone assumed given his prior history of greatness, like the Tuna, he would excel.
They gave him a simple task. The streets need to be painted to make them safer.
Any shark can do that right?
Well…maybe not this shark…
He failed at first
and failed again.
eventually…the Dolphins found themselves in the Ireland era
And the Mediocre White found himself operating a draw bridge
He was a colossal fuck up…like Jeff Ireland
So the Dolphins found themselves in the Philbin era
and The Mediocre Shark found himself bouncing around from odd job to odd job
he tried parking cars as a valet
That didn’t last long
So he got a job as a custodian
but he often found himself late at performing his duties…
He really wasn’t very good at anything anymore…
But we all know what he is:
He is a hunter!
The 2016 football season has not started yet…
The Mediocre White wants to be Great again
Is this the year?