The Porcine Oddyssey #102: The Saga of The Mediocre White

During the summer, when we wait for the football season to begin and swim in the ocean

We fear what might be beneath the surface of the ocean…

Sharks scare all of us.

And there is no shark more fearsome than:

THE GREAT WHITE SHARK

GreatWhiteShark2

But not all sharks are so great.

There is at least one who is

well…kind of mediocre…

MediocreShark Whatevs

Meet The Mediocre White

slightly less accomplished than some of the other white sharks

and like you…a fan of the Miami Dolphins

MediocreChairDolphin

On an August afternoon the Mediocre White was hunting seals with a two of his shark buddies

They found the perfect spot and were ready to feast.

The first Great White turned to the other Great White barely noticing the Mediocre White lagging behind both of them.

“What’s your plan?”

The Second Great White responded “I’m gonna go deep, get a big push and leap out of the water with the biggest seal in my jaws”

“Nice!”, the first Great White responded

“You’ll get in National Geographic…I plan something a little more dubious…I’m gonna bite a baby by the back of its’ tail, drag it a little father out to the ocean, wait for its’ mother to swim out to the baby, then eat her.  Then I’ll eat the baby for dessert”

Impressed, the Second Great White turned to the Mediocre White “How about you?”

SharksCheckingoutSeals

“Oh me?”  The Mediocre Shark was barely paying attention

“Um…you know dude…I’m gonna like, put my fin above the water and like circle the seals and then eat one”

“lame” interrupted the First Great White

“What happened to you man? ”  The Second Great White disappointedly said, “You used to be great.  Now you are so…Mediocre…”

The two Great Whites swan away leaving The Mediocre White.

That day The Mediocre White didn’t eat any seals.  Instead he thought to himself

WHAT HAPPENED…

In the 70’s he was Great.

One year, in 1972, he was perfect, never missing a seal or a human he hunted.

Those were the days, The Mediocre White was the envy of all the other sharks.  He ate whatever he liked, he spawned with whatever shark he liked, he even roomed with Steven Spielberg in college.  Some say he was the inspiration for Jaws.

SharkSpielberg

Though he never achieved perfection again.  He had some great moments after the 70’s.

In the early 80’s The Mediocre White continued to be a fearsome hunter in the ocean.  At the same time he enjoyed watching the Dolphins make Super Bowl runs.

 Despite a chum strike in ’82, he finished second among all sharks in surfer limbs eaten.  Only a shark named Riggins ate more arms that year.

In ’83, he grew his greatest rookie tooth.  By the tooth’s second year he was setting records for flesh eaten.

The Mediocre White almost enjoyed the new tooth as much as he enjoyed watching Dan Marino throw the ball.

MARIPHU008006_zoom_IMAGE1_222337.jpg

By 1985 The Mediocre Shark was making great memories by eating Bears on prime time.

But as great as the tooth was, the Mediocre White failed to surround his tooth with quality other teeth.

Defensively, everything got through his mouth, and he found himself forced to digest entire scuba divers, tanks and all.

Unbelievably, during the tooth’s entire career, the shark failed to hunt down a 1000 yard swimmer.

Eventually when that special tooth fell out, the Mediocre Shark wondered if he was ever achieve what he did in the 70’s again.

Meanwhile the Dolphins moved from Don Shula to Jimmy Johnson to Dave Wannstedt

The Dolphins had a few great players in that time:  Jason Taylor, Zach Thomas…Ricky Williams lead the league in rushing one year.  And like the Dolphins the Mediocre White enjoyed eating an occasional swimmer.

But it was not what it used to be.  He wasn’t really Great anymore…

Now it seemed these up and coming New England Sharks were eaten all the best humans

By the end of Wannstedts tenure it became obvious…he was just mediocre now…

So he left hunting and went in a different direction.

The Mediocre Shark took up engineering.

He wanted to build something.  Just like he believed Nick Saban wanted to build something with the Dolphins.

In his first building project he built the Daunte Culpepper Bridge:

SharkBridgeFail

Saban would not accept failure and either would Mediocre White.

He really insisted on Building something!

Like Saban,  his next building project made people cry.

staircasefailshark

So Saban would leave the Dolphins and The Mediocre White would leave engineering.

Now he was ready for a new direction.

The Dolphins hired Cam Cameron and The Mediocre White took up work as a Park Ranger.

At a county meeting he attend determine to make a difference

“Broh’s” he pleaded to the County Council,

“We need to stop the deer deaths on the highway”

The Mediocre White raised his fin, “I propose we move the deer crossing signs away from the highway to a place less dangerous for the deer to cross, we should move the signs to the middle of the forrest”.

Deer crossing sign in Idaho.

That year deer deaths on the highway increased by 800%

As the Dolphins moved on from Cam Cameron The Mediocre White also moved on from being a Park Ranger.

The Big Tuna was ready to turn things around for the Dolphins and the Mediocre White was ready to turn things around for himself as well.  He took a job with the City.

Everyone assumed given his prior history of greatness, like the Tuna, he would excel.

They gave him a simple task.  The streets need to be painted to make them safer.

Any shark can do that right?

stopsignshark

Well…maybe not this shark…

He failed at first

rightturnonlyshark

and failed again.

eventually…the Dolphins found themselves in the Ireland era

And the Mediocre White found himself operating a draw bridge

He was a colossal fuck up…like Jeff Ireland

shark drawbridgefail

So the Dolphins found themselves in the Philbin era

and The Mediocre Shark found himself bouncing around from odd job to odd job

he tried parking cars as a valet

valetshark

That didn’t last long

So he got a job as a custodian

but he often found himself late at performing his duties…

African American businessman falling on wet floor in office

He really wasn’t very good at anything anymore…

But we all know what he is:

He is a hunter!

The 2016 football season has not started yet…

The Mediocre White wants to be Great again

Is this the year?

GreatwhoteDolpin jersey

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1,087 Responses to The Porcine Oddyssey #102: The Saga of The Mediocre White

  1. wyoming85 says:

    Adam Schefter ‏@AdamSchefter 19m19 minutes ago
    Bills DT Marcel Dareus is facing a four-game suspension for another violation of the NFL’s substance abuse policy, league sources tell ESPN.

    Adam Schefter ‏@AdamSchefter 4m4 minutes ago
    With Karlos Williams and Marcell Dareus suspended, Bills now will be subject to steep fine based on remittance policy.

    • stangerx says:

      Shiot — we were joking about it before……but mainly cause how perfect the name is.

      Can just see Suh or Wake saying:

      “When you choose to come to the Hard Rock….that’s what you get.”

      • manitobafinfan says:

        Gives their Signature drink ” Hurricane” even more prominence..
        Well Done Rock !!

  2. Rockphin says:

    Man, it took me forever to negotiate the naming of the stadium. I’m glad I was finally able to get it done. WELCOME TO HARD ROCKPHIN STADIUM!

    What? they fucked it up? SMH I’m not paying.

  3. Rockphin says:

    Now that those negotiations are done I’m pushing hard (he he) on the next stage of my master plan. Having them remove all the new seats they just installed.

    That way EVERYONE WILL STAND THE FUCK UP!

  4. Rockphin says:

    Did you guys see that WR coach Shawn Jefferson suited up in pads today to teach the WR’s how to block properly? LOL

    • steveccnv says:

      He’s a bad ass too, just like VJ. You want instant respect from your players, walk in their shoes. Not that he needed it, seems he’s pretty well liked.

      • Rockphin says:

        he played 13 years in the NFL and has more yards, TD, 1st downs, etc than every WR on our team combined.

  5. Rockphin says:

    I read where SJ was trash talking the WR’s during the drill and likes to give them a ribbing, not using their real names, making up nicknames like “Strawberry Shortcake” for Grant, etc. and when it was Grant’s turn to go at it with SJ, SJ said “OK, that’s enough” because he didn’t want mighty mouse taking it out on his 47 year old ass. LOL

  6. Rockphin says:

    Step three after getting my name on the stadium and removing all the seats so everyone has to STAND THE FUCK UP is getting Homeraide sold at the concession stands.

  7. Rockphin says:

    If there’s one guy we’ll never have to worry about getting up for any game it’s Grant.

    Jarvis Landry is the first. Too bad Grant and he play the same position on offense they both have hearts twice the size of their bodies.

    • steveccnv says:

      I thought about Landry, and even though he’s been up fro every game so far, it’s possible for him to have a low energy game, where if Grant has a low energy game he may get knocked out.

  8. Rockphin says:

    The Miami Dolphins today announced they have waived/injured defensive end Farrington Huguenin.

  9. D says:

    steveccnv says:
    August 16, 2016 at 10:16 am

    The couple plays everyone was bitching about Dallas and Billy against the Giants weren’t fair to them. What I saw was guys running stunts and not getting picked up, I’d think it was Pouncey’s responsibility, because it’s not easy to disengage the guy you’re currently blocking.
    ——————————————-
    I really only saw one major fuckup from Thomas, but it was really really bad. James also got blown up on that play. Thomas didnt have great position on his guy all night but it wasnt all bad either. Turner just doesn’t look comfortable or something. he looked really bad at RT, and at RG he was having to have Pouncey assist on many plays. That was the one plus i got from Thomas’ game was Pouncey would check his side and then help Turner.

    The twists they were running on DL were delayed twists, and those are generally on the QB to get rid of the ball sooner. So if the twists are the big issue, then there is another factor there no one is going to want to talk about, and at this point its probably not worth going down that road. The announcers blamed Albert on one of the first ones, and it wasnt Albert or Thomas’ fault.

    Pouncey, could possibly have helped the situation by disengaging off Turner’s guy but OC’s dont disengage unless they 1) read a blitz, 2) OG gets a handle on his guy so the OC can start looking for someone else. Im assuming sine he stuk to Turner’s guy, that Turner wasnt getting a good lock down on him. A lot of plays too the twist guy is the RB’s responsibility to pick up, but in fairness there i did see at least one of the twist plays on Turners side, the guy got penetration as the RB was slipping out for check down. There are probably going to be a bunch of unprotected in the backfield in this offense since the RB plays a big role as a receiver.

    • steveccnv says:

      That’s why RT’s pocket presence is so important, you see those guys coming, you get rid of it. Moore took an awful sack, when he had a great pocket, something must’ve spooked him, because he went left right into a defender. He looked like RT has on many of his sacks his 2nd year.

  10. steveccnv says:

    Coming soon to a theater near you SteveCCNV how I became a Dolphin’s Fan.

  11. getterdone says:

    LOL @ Drake may get cut.

  12. steveccnv says:

    Jordan was a little light when he played DE for us previously. I hope the extra weight helps him. We’re only rumored to be keeping 5 DEs, so between DJ, Fede, and Laing they say only one will make it. It’s always funny how these hacks already know how many are going to be kept at each position, when Gase doesn’t even know yet.

  13. Mike E. says:

    GD

    Titans traded your boy DGB to the Eagles

  14. getterdone says:

    WTF? DGB traded already? Hmmm, I think he pissed off Mularkey more than what’s known.
    He had 550 yfs for 17.2 avg & 2 100+ yd games with 4 TD’s as a 6’5 237lb rookie.

  15. wyoming85 says:

  16. getterdone says:

    Rexy’s team has been imploding every week this offseason…WOW! 😀

    NFL suspended Bills NT Marcell Dareus four games for violating the league’s substance-abuse policy.
    Dareus isn’t appealing. In a statement, the Bills said they were “very disappointed,” and that they have “made it clear his behavior is unacceptable.” Dareus has suffered the off-the-field equivalent of bumps and bruises to this point in his career, but this is the first transgression to cost him more than a game. Still only 26, Dareus signed a seven-year, $103.2 million extension last September.

  17. getterdone says:

    The Miami Herald’s Barry Jackson reports free agent LB Stephen Tulloch is on the “Dolphins’ radar.”
    Ten days ago, ESPN’s Adam Schefter reported the Eagles and Tulloch were in “heavy negotiations” about a contract. Clearly, nothing materialized, and according to Jackson, Tulloch wants more than the veteran minimum. That’s very likely what is keeping him unsigned. Tulloch is a 31-year-old two-down thumper.
    _______________________________
    Would be better than signing the washed up Brandon Spikes that we passed on earlier.

  18. Randy says:

    Interesting, Tulloch made lots of tackles behind Suh in Detroit. Are we still looking for a 2 down slobber knocker? Are they already cooling on Kiko’s ability to stop the run? Tulloch seems like a strange backup because of his mobility limitations, as he’s probably only gonna fill one role for you.

  19. Maybe Phins will get lucky and Chad Kelly will have a video as well. Tannenbaum would be like “wow. what ARE the chances?” lol

  20. BoulderPhinfan says:

    I like this

  21. The Flying Pig says:

    Woops
    Don’t post here
    new blog up

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