PIGGY IS IN A BATHTUB, WHEN A LINGERIE MODEL WALKS INTO THE ROOM
The Flying Pig: Scrub a dub dub. Life is perfect. I have no care in the world. I am a free pig, with no obligations or burdens….Weeeeeeeeeeeeeee!
Gisele: (seductively as she walks towards the bathtub) hello Piggy.
The Flying Pig: (blushing) Oh hello…are you sure you should be in here?
Gisele: I belong here Piggy…it is my destiny. Can I join you?
The Flying Pig: Oh, um, won’t that make Tom mad?
Gisele: Maybe…who cares…Tom is so boring…you…you have a squiggly tail. Tom does not have a squiggly tail.
The Flying Pig: Oh come on Gisele, I know that women love Tom.
Gisele: But you have a snout. Tom doesn’t have a snout.
The Flying Pig: Well, I suppose some ladies think the snout has a sort of je ne sais quoi….
Gisele: Oh and your trotters (stepping in the tub with Piggy) they seem so soft, yet strong.
The Flying Pig: (giggling) Its such a small tub…
Gisele: Perfect Piggy, perfect…
Colonpokey’s Voice: Piggy….Piggy…
The Flying Pig: (looking around the bathroom) What is that? Gisele? Gisele? Where did you go?
Colonpokey’s Voice: Piggy…Piggy…wake up Piggy.
The Flying Pig: No No…Don’t wake up. Don’t wake up. Not now! 5 more minutes…just 5 more minutes.
Colonpokey: Wake up Piggy. We need to get out of this prison
The Flying Pig: (waking up) Nooooooooooooooooooooooo!
Drago the Guard: (in a thick Russian Accent) The Pig sleeps heavy…lazy pig…Mmmm, Borscht and Pork Dumplings.
Psychic GPS: Piggy wake up. Colonpokey is right…for once…
The Flying Pig: SNORT. I’m awake now. I guess it was just a dream. Back to reality, stuck in a Foxboro Palace prison cell, 500 feet above the ground. And I’m still blind…
Colonpokey: But I’m here with you Piggy.
The Flying Pig: (sigh) and stuck with Colonpokey… did I hear a thick Russian accent?
Psychic GPS: That’s Drago the Guard. He is guarding us. Piggy, we need to get out of this place.
The Flying Pig: I know. But how?
Colonpokey: Piggy, you can fly out!
The Flying Pig: Colonpokey, you know I can’t fly. I’m out of sha…
Colonpokey: Try it fatty!
Psychic GPS: No Colonpokey, its too dangerous.
Colonpokey: Its not dangerous GPS. If Piggy dies, we will be fine.
The Flying Pig: What? How is that not dangerous?
Colonpokey: Feels safe for me…
The Flying Pig: It’s useless. We are stuck here (putting his face in his trotters).
Psychic GPS: No Piggy, there is hope. You can sculpt the statue. Then they will free us.
The Flying Pig: I can’t sculpt. Besides I don’t want to make a statue of that jerk QB of theirs.
Psychic GPS: No Piggy. You can do it. I will guide you.
Colonpokey: And I will inspire you with my singing and interpretive dance Piggy…
The Flying Pig: Okay. I suppose there is no harm in trying…
PIGGY SITS IN FRONT OF A PILE OF CLAY. PSYCHIC GPS IS NEXT TO HIM AND COLPONPOKEY IS STANDING BEHIND THEM WEARING A TUTU
Psychic GPS: Piggy, start with about six handfuls…er…um trotterfuls of clay. (Piggy follows GPS’ directions and grabs six trotterfuls of clay). Now form a base Piggy.
Colonpokey: (singing) I’ve been alone with you inside my mind. And in my dreams I’ve kissed your lips a thousand times. I sometimes see you pass outside my door. (Colonpokey gets on his tippy toes and moves to the right side of the room)
Psychic GPS: Now, build a neck Piggy. Use both your trotters and imagine you are strangling a hamster you don’t like. (Piggy follows the directions, this time a little more enthusiastically then the last time)
Colonpokey: (still on his toes and moving to the left side of the room and singing) Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Colonpokey: (singing) I can see it in your eyes. I can see it in your smile. You’re all I’ve ever wanted. And my arms are open wide because you know just what to say. And you know just what to do (Colonpokey does a pirouette)
Psychic GPS: Now the chin Piggy. Yes! That is it. Now the jaw. A little more clay on the left side. Its coming to life Piggy. You are doing it!
Colonpokey: (singing and twirling to the left then to the right) And I want to tell you so much. (whispering) I love you.
The Flying Pig: What did that perverted hamster say?
Psychic GPS: Ignore it. You are doing it Piggy. Now the mouth! A little more clay for the upper lip!
Colonpokey: (singing) I long to see the sunlight in your hair. And tell you time and time again, how much I care. Sometimes I feel my heart will overflow. (Colonpokey begins breakdancing)
A RANDOM PHONE RINGS IN THE PRISON CELL AND COLOPOKEY PICKS IT UP
The Flying Pig: That is odd. They gave us a phone?
Colonpokey: (singing into the phone) Hello! I’ve just got to let you know. Because I wonder where you are. And I wonder what you do. (hanging up the phone)
The Flying Pig: Who was it? Did you just hang up on them?
Psychic GPS: Now the eyes Piggy. The Eyes! The gateway to the soul…made out of clay…but soulful clay….I guess…The eyes Piggy, the eyes. A smudge more of clay. He can see you now Piggy!
The Flying Pig: eh… um you are really into this GPS…
Colonpokey: (singing) Are you somewhere feeling lonely? Or is someone loving you? Tell me how to win your heart. For I haven’t got a clue. But let me start by saying. I love you. (Colonpokey does a backspin)
Psychic GPS: Now the ears Piggy. The ears! He can hear your sweet sculpting music.
The Flying Pig: GAG. Does anyone else hear a guitar solo?
Colonpokey: (singing) Hello! Is it me you’re looking for? Because I wonder where you are. And I wonder what you do. Are you somewhere feeling lonely? Or is someone loving you? (Colonpokey does the worm)
Psychic GPS: Now the hair Piggy! The Hair. What is Brady without hair? More clay Piggy…MORE CLAY! ELECTRONIC SCREAM! MORE CLAY MEANS MORE HAIR!
Colonpokey: (singing) Tell me how to win your heart. For I haven’t got a clue. (Colonpokey does the robot)
Colonpkey: (singing and whispering) But let me start by saying (placing his hand under Piggy’s chin) I love you.
The Flying Pig: Ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwww. SQUEEAAAAAL! SQUEEEAAAAL!
Psychic GPS: Yes! I think its ready. You’ve captured him Piggy. You did it! (yelling) Guards get King Belicheat. Drago, tell the King its ready. Its ready!
KING BELICHEAT COMES TO THE CELL WITH FOUR ARMED GUARDS
King Belicheat: Where is it? Where is the statue I commissioned the Pig to make? Was someone able to capture my quarterback’s Bieberity! Does the statute look like an 11 year old girl did his hair? It better…
Psychic GPS: Its right here your highness. We are honored to present you with this gift. (Psychic GPS signals to thestatue Piggy created out of clay)
King Belicheat: What!!! You morons that is not my QB! That is…that is…that is…the head of someone who I have been secretly listening to on my IPod all day! Its Lionel Richie you idiots!
The Flying Pig: It is?
Psychic GPS: I guess I forgot to tell you guys. I love the 80’s!
King Belicheat: You will pay for this insolence! Guards, give the hamster 50 lashes.
Colonpokey: Me! All I did was dance and sing. The pig made the thing.
The Flying Pig: Hah hah. Sucks for you Colonpokey.
King Belicheat: And you Piggy, you will make me my statue! You will build the statue of the greatest QB ever – or its Hawaiian Luau time for you!
The Flying Pig: That doesn’t sound bad. We all get laid! Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
King Belicheat: I mean we will roast you…you stupid pig!
The Flying Pig: Oh…That is no good.
THE GUARDS AND KING BELICHEAT DRAG COLONPOKEY OUT OF THE CELL FOR THE LASHINGS