GPS OPENS THE DOOR TO THE BARN AND WELCOMES DIGGS, P.I. INTO THE BARN
Psychic GPS: Piggy…this the private investigator we hired. His name is Diggs, P.I.. He will track down any information on Samurai we want.
The Flying Pig: Okay Mr. P.I….what do you have for us?
Diggs, P.I. I have been investigating a Samurai named Cordarrelle Patterson. He is a Great Samurai. (Diggs, P.I. bows)
The Flying Pig: And?
Diggs, P.I.: And a mysterious Samurai. He is a Junior College transfer. (Diggs takes off his hat and gives it to GPS) He only played Division I Football for one year. Seems to be little known about him from his JUCO days…but we are in luck. Yesterday there was a seminar in town. A seminar for SEC mascots…
The Flying Pig: Um, so???
Diggs, P.I.: So these mascots are from of the schools that recruited Patterson before he chose Tennessee. (Diggs takes off his coat and gives it to Piggy) And I can go talk with a few of them.
Psychic GPS: Okay but they are just mascots?
Diggs, P.I.: If there is one thing I have learned in all my years as a P.I. (Diggs lights a cigarette as he is speaking) It’s that the mascots run the school.
Psychic GPS: Really…mascots?
Diggs P.I.: Yes. Don’t let the fur and jovial spirit fool you. (loosening his tie) They are geniuses all of them! Evil corrupt dark power hungry geniuses. Empty inside…whatever is there is rotten…You can’t trust a mascot. If a mascot is taking a photo with your girlfriend, sure your girlfriend thinks it’s all cute, but the mascot is thinking to itself…how am I gonna nail this guy’s girlfriend…and they all have herpes too…
Psychic GPS: Okay I think we get the point. But what is the point of speaking with them?
Diggs, P.I.: Well they don’t like to give away their secrets…but I have ways (clenching his claws together) …ways of making them talk (taking his hat back from GPS and putting it on)
The Flying Pig: Good! Let’s go talk to them! Let’s find out about Patterson the Samurai
Diggs, P.I.: Um, Piggy I like to work alone
The Flying Pig: We will do the good cop – bad cop thing. I will be the bad cop! (handing Diggs his coat and pushing him out the door)
LATER THAT DAY, PIGGY AND DIGGS, P.I. ARRIVE IN A SMALL TOWN
The Flying Pig: Okay, where are they. The convenience store? the church? the bar?
Diggs, P.I.: Isn’t it obvious Piggy…(pointing at an establishment lit in neon lights) They are at the titty bar…mascots love titties…
DIGGS, P.I. AND PIGGY ENTER THE ESTABLISHMENT. THEY LOOK AROUND FOR MASCOTS AND THEY SEE THE GEORGIA BULLDOG BY THE STAGE AREA
The Flying Pig: There! (walking towards the Bulldog) Okay remember I am the bad cop!
GA Bulldog: What are you two jerks looking at? (waiving s stripper down and offering a dollar) Come here honey…
The Flying Pig: Um…excuse me…I don’t want to bother you Mr. Bulldog….but…eh….um…eh
GA Bulldog: Is this Pig a moron? What? What are you trying to say?
The Flying Pig: Sorry…Mr. Bulldog…I’m just here to ask you about Cordarelle Patterson…do you have a minute (Piggy takes out a note pad)
GA Bulldog: Are you kidding me? I don’t know anything. Now get out of here before I make you into bacon…
The Flying Pig: Okay…Sorry to bother you…(walking away)
Diggs, P.I.: (grabbing Piggy by the shoulders) That was bad cop?
The Flying Pig: Well it takes me a little while to get started…besides he doesn’t know anything.
Diggs, P.I.: Piggy, Georgia was one of the schools Patterson turned down before deciding to play for the Volunteers…(turning to the Bulldog) Isn’t that right?
GA Bulldog: I said get out of here (staring at the stripper but pushing his paw back to push Diggs away)
Diggs, P.I.: Oh I think you do (grabbing the paw and twisting it)
GA Bulldog: Whine! Let go of my paw!
Diggs, P.I.: Tell me what you know about Patterson (Diggs pushes the Bulldog’s face down against the stage) Or I am going to beat you like one of Mark Duper’s kids!
GA Bulldog: Whine Whine….He is almost 6’3, 216 pounds. Big receiver. Fast too. He ran a 4.42 at the combine. Great paws on him. He only dropped 4.2% of the passes that were thrown to him. In his single year at Tennessee he caught 46 passes for 778 yards – but he was so much more than just a receiving threat. He was great on special teams and even had 308 yards rushing.
Diggs, P.I.: Not that stuff (punching the Bulldog in the back of the head) You can do a google search and find that stuff. I want to know what you saw in him in Junior College – Why did Georgia pursue him?
GA Bulldog: Whine Whine Whine….I don’t know nothing…
The Flying Pig: Do you guys smell sulfur?
Diggs, P.I.: (punching the Bulldog in the back of the head again) You don’t know?
GA Bulldog: I’m serious. I don’t know nothing…We only pursued him because the Auburn Tiger was doing it
Diggs, P.I.: (twisting the Bulldog’s paw again) The Tiger? Where is he?
GA Bulldog: Whine! upstairs! At the brothel!
Diggs, P.I.: (releasing the Bulldog) Lets go upstairs Piggy
SMOKE WHICH SMELLS LIKE SULFUR CREEPS IN THROUGH THE EXIT DOOR AND INTO THE ESTABLISHMENT.
The Flying Pig: Is something burning outside?
Diggs, P.I.: Come on Piggy…it probably just some sort of natural disaster caused by discussing the Samurai…Ignore it, let’s go to the brothel…
The Flying Pig: There is a brothel here?
Diggs, P.I.: Yeah, just look for the Ramada sign
DIGGS, P.I. AND PIGGY WALK UPSTAIRS, PAST THE RAMADA SIGN INTO THE BROTHEL AND UP TO A DOOR
Diggs, P.I.: The Tiger is right inside this door (he steps back to kick in the door)
The Flying Pig: Wait! This time I get to be the bad cop
Diggs, P.I.: Are you sure you are up for it?
The Flying Pig: SNORT!
DIGGS, P.I. KICKS OPEN THE DOOR. THE AUBURN TIGER IS IN BED WITH A PROSTITUTE. WHEN THE DOOR KICKS OPEN THE PROSTITUTE COVERS HERSELF WITH THE BLANKET
The Flying Pig: Oh, excuse me…is now a bad time…e can come back
AU Tiger: Get out of here you pork chop!
The Flying Pig: Oh excuse me…Is there a better time?…I have to ask you a few questions…it will just take a little of your time
Diggs, P.I.: (pushing Piggy aside) Listen here Evelyn. I want to know what you know about Patterson!
AU Tiger: Diggs, P.I! I should have known. Eh…Why are you calling me Evelyn
Diggs, P.I.: Because my name is Ochocinco bitch! (Diggs head butts the Tiger)
AU Tiger: Ouch! Okay…look…Patterson is 6’2 or 6’3ish, 216 pounds…
Diggs, P.I.: Not that crap! Tell me about JUCO! (grabbing the Tiger by the neck)
AU Tiger: Okay okay. He went to Hutchinson Community College. It’s in Kansas
A LOUD EXPLOSIVE BOOM IS HEARD FROM OUTSIDE THE ESTABLISHMENT
The Flying Pig: What was that? (looking out the window)
Diggs, P.I.: (ignoring the noise and Piggy) Is he from Kansas? (tightening his grip)
AU Tiger: No. He is from South Carolina. He wasn’t able to go to a major college program out of high school because he didn’t qualify academically. So he went to North Carolina Tech Preparatory Christian Academy
Diggs, P.I.: You said Kansas, not North Carolina (Diggs takes the lit cigarette from his beak and presses the burning ash on the Tiger’s knee)
AU Tiger: Ouch! Take it easy Diggs, we’re old friends
Diggs, P.I.: You are no friend to me Tiger! You sold your own mother for a profit
AU Tiger: Hey, it was a good deal…anyway as I was saying…After a year in the preparatory school with no football program he transferred to Hutchinson in Kansas. And he put up big numbers there too. 15 TDs in his final year there. The scouts took notice. We went after him. But he chose Tennessee. Fucking Da’Rick Rogers…if he would not have gotten into trouble at Tennessee, they probably would not have gone after Patterson, and we would have had him.
The Flying Pig: Squeal…There is an erupting volcano outside!
AU Tiger: Because we are talking about Samurai! We should stop!
Diggs, P.I.: Keep talking! (flicking the rest of his cigarette at the Tiger’s head)
AU Tiger: That is all I know. I swear! The Ole Miss Mascot might know a little more. They were in the chase for Patterson too
Diggs, P.I.: That old crazy guy!
AU Tiger: No not him….They fired that guy…something about political correctness.. That guy was the best man! We used to go entire weekends with nothing but hookers and cocaine! This new guy is a bear. And he is all business. He doesn’t like to party. He is across the street at the Church
Diggs, P.I.: Let’s go Piggy…Piggy…Piggy?
The Flying Pig: (hiding under the bed) There is a volcano out there!
Diggs, P.I.: Come on! (grabbing Piggy and heading out the door)
PIGGY AND DIGGS FIND WHEN THEY OPEN THE DOOR OF THE ESTABLISHMENT THE STREETS ARE FULL OF LAVA. THEY CROSS THE STREET FLOATING OVER THE LAVA ON THE ROOF OF A CAR AND WALK TO THE ENTRANCE OF THE CHURCH.
The Flying Pig: Diggs, I know I haven’t been a very good bad cop…but this time I’m ready
Diggs, P.I.: (sigh) okay Piggy…go for it…
DIGGS AND PIGGY KNOCK OF THE DOOR. A NUN OPENS THE DOOR.
The Nun #1: Yes, my children…how can I help you?
The Flying Pig: Hello. We are here to see the Ole Miss Bear, could you please tell him (Piggy looks over his shoulder at Diggs) er…I mean (slamming his trotter on the ground) Bitch! Bring me the Bear!
The Nun #1: What?
The Flying Pig: Oh…playing games are you? (Piggy kicks the door open and the Nun falls backwards)
Diggs, P.I.: Piggy wait? (trying to hold Piggy back) It’s a church…
The Flying Pig: (grabbing the nun and shaking her) Tell me about Patterson! Tell me about Patterson!
ANOTHER NUN WALKS IN THE ROOM
The Nun #2: What is going on in here?
The Flying Pig: (grabbing the second nun and shaking her) Who is Patterson! Who is Patterson!
DIGGS, P.I. SEES THE OLE MISS BEAR IN THE OTHER ROOM AND WALKS TOWARDS HIM
Diggs, P.I.: Hey old friend. How are you doing?
Ole Miss Bear: Great my old buddy. What can I do for you?
Diggs, P.I.: I’m a little worried about this Samurai Cordarelle Patterson. The guy is a JUCO transfer. Can he play in the NFL?
Ole Miss Bear: Can he play? Come on Diggs, you know how many JUCO transfers have excelled in the NFL. There is Walter Jones, Dale Carter, Brandon Jacobs, Al Harris, Joe Horn, Jonathan Joseph, Aaron Glenn, Tommy Kelly, Jeremy Shockey, Duce Staley and Pat Williams…just to name a few. Its hardly even frowned upon these days.
Diggs, P.I.: But Patterson only played in Division I for 1 season?
Ole Miss Bear: That is true. But talent is talent. He dominated in JUCO. He had 24 TDs in two years. And he was explosive at Tennessee in his only season there. besides the SEC is the best conference in college football…one year in the SEC should be worth two years anywhere else. We really wanted Patterson at Ole Miss, but he chose Tennessee which was perfect for their offense, because he just stepped in the place of the outgoing Da’rick Rogers….Hey what is that Pig doing to those nuns?
Diggs, P.I.: Oh, that’s Piggy. He is new to the whole P.I. thing. (calling out to Piggy) Hey Piggy come here. I want you to meet and old friend
The Flying Pig: (kicking a nun on the ground) Give me a minute…
Diggs, P.I.: Piggy…we got all the information we need. There is no reason for that.
Ole Miss Bear: Yeah, what are you doing to Sister Mary (helping her off the ground)
The Flying Pig: Interrogating her…I am a P.I. you know (Piggy spits on the nun)
Diggs, P.I.: Eh…Maybe you should turn it down a notch Piggy…
Ole Miss Bear: Why are you guys so interested in Patterson anyway. He is probably going to be off the board by the time the Dolphins pick. I think the Bills take him at 8
The Flying Pig: You son of the bitch! (Piggy storms out of the front door of the Church)
Ole Miss Bear: Your friend is a little high strung isn’t he? (looking out the window to see where Piggy went)
Diggs, P.I.: Yeah…I guess he is working on learning the bad cop role…
Ole Miss Bear: I think you left your lights on?
Diggs, P.I.: Lights…I didn’t drive here????
A CAR SMASHES THROUGH THE FRONT DOOR OF THE CHURCH. IT HITS THE OLD MISS MASCOT WHO FLIES BACKWARDS ABOUT 20 FEET. PIGGY STEPS OUT OF THE CAR. HE IS COVERED IN ASH.
Diggs, P.I.: Piggy!
The Flying Pig: (picking the Ole Miss Bear off the Floor and then throwing him back down) What do you know about Buffalo?
Ole Miss Bear: Nothing (coughing blood) It’s just a prediction…
Diggs, P.I.: Piggy (pulling Piggy off the Bear) It’s only a prediction…um…I think we need to get going
To Be Continued…