STELLA AND GUINNESS, TWO ALIENS, WALK IN TO A CLUB IN MIAMI CALLED THE BABYLON
Stella: Well this seems like the perfect place to discuss the AFC North over a few drinks
Guinness: yeah, what is that song in the background…something like rush rush to the yayo…
Stella: Is that puppet waiving us towards him
A MAN IN A PUPPET SUIT WAIVES STELLA AND GUINNESS TOWARDS THEM
Octavio: Hey…Come here Diaz Brothers. I am glad you finally made it…Frank has been waiting for you guys to arrive…
Stella: The Diaz Brothers?
Guinness: Who is Frank?
Octavio: (laughing) Oh, I get it…anonymity…Yeah I don’t blame you. Tony is a born killer…If you don’t succeed and if he finds you attempted the hit, he is going to cut off your balls….so you better do it right tonight…
Stella: Um Mr. Puppet…I think you may have the wrong aliens…
Octavio: Its Octavio Man…come on guys…don’t be scared…Now is the time. He is right over there and he is fucked up out of his mind man…
Guinness: This place is weird Stella…
Octavio: Here take these. Frank left them for you. (handing an uzi to each of the two aliens)…Now hurry up. I’m about to go on stage. (walking away backstage)
Stella: Um…what just happened
Guinness: I don’t know. He just gave us these things…
Stella: Let’s just sit and watch this crappy comedian, while we talk about the AFC North
Guinness: Oh Yeah the AFC North…We should start with the Ravens…
Stella: Well they signed Joe Flacco to a monster contract, and basically let everyone else go…
Guinness: Ray Lewis retired, Ed Reed went to Houston, Paul Kruger went to the Browns and Daniel Ellerbee went to Miami. So you can say they took a hit on defense this offseason.
Stella: And they traded Anquan Boldin and lost Dennis Pitta to a season ending injury on training camp…but I think very highly of Torrey Smith and I expect him to have a big year.
Guinness: They also re-signed Vontae Leach and drafted Jason Elam to replace Ed Reed. Plus they have a pretty good 2nd tight end in Ed Dickson…but will that be enough to get back into the playoffs?
Stella: I don’t really think so?
Guinness: Man this comedian sucks…
Stella: I didn’t even notice…I’ve been playing with this toy Octavio left us…it reminds me of the phaser guns we had on the ship…
Guinness: If the Ravens don’t win the AFC North, that must mean the Steelers win it right?
Stella: Well…I think they have some issues…Their offensive line was in shambles last year, and loosing Steven DeCastro before he played a snap last year didn’t help….I’m not sure they are any better in that regard…so they might have trouble running the ball again, which the Steelers need to do to win…but that said I do like the running back they drafted in the 2nd round, Le’veon Bell. That guy is special…
Guinness: They had a great draft, maybe the best in the NFL in 2013…the Steelers always draft well. Bell in the 2nd round, Marcus Wheaton in the 3rd round, Thomas Shamarko in the 4th and CB Terry Hawthorne in the 5th round…oh and one more guy, their first rounder, Jarvis Jones. He is a perfect fit for their 3-4 defense. I love their draft!
Stella: They had to draft Jones! They let James Harrison go this offseason, to a division rival no less…and they failed to replace Mike Wallace as well, who they also lost to um…some great team from South Florida…but they still have their other LBs, and when you task Steelers, you have to stalk about their LBs, Larry Foote, Lawrence Timmons and Lamar Woodley. Pair that with Troy Polamalu and I expect their defense to stay strong
Guinness: I don’t understand why they let Harrison leave!…especially if he was going to go to a division rival..
Stella: That brings us to the Bengals…Hey what do you think this little thing does on this toy?
Comedian: (from the stage) And now everyone please welcome, straight from Venezuela, Octavio. (Octavio comes on the stage and begins to dance)
Guinness: If Octavio wasn’t busy dancing, you might be able to ask him…Looks like atrigger to me…
Stella: Yes, it does look like a trigger
THE UZI SUDDENLY FIRES. STELLA CAN’T CONTROL THE GUN AND IT FIRES ALL OVER THE CLUB. THE MIRROS BEHIND THE HIT, “TONY”, SHATTER AFTER THEY ARE SHOT AND TONY DUCKS UNDER THE TABLE HE IS SITTING AT. EVERYONE IN THE CLUB RUNS AROUND PANICKING AND SCREAMING
Guinness: I think the Bengals have a ton of talent. They acquired Harrison from the Steelers and like the Steelers they drafted a very talented running back early. They took Giovanni Bernard.
Stella: (still firing the Uzi without any control of it) They have a lot of talento, but a lot of those guys are on their 2nd or 3rd team. Adam Jones and Aaron Maybin are good examples of that. And they draft guys ignoring character concerns as well…guys like Vontaze Burfict, who tested positive for marijuana…um…while at the combine…
Guinness: Still, so much talent. They have the best DT in the NFL in my opinion in Geno Atkins, a solid QB in Andy Dalton, two excellent Tight Ends in Jermaine Gresham and Tyler Eiffert and one of the best WRs in the league in AJ Green to pair with 2nd year talent Mohamed Sanu.
Stella: (still firing as the clip is about to run out) Yeah, I even like some of their other draft picks besides Eiffert, Bernard and Burfict, like Cobi Hamilton and Margus Hunt. They really drafted well as well. ( the clip runs out)
Guinness: That was cool (Guinness begins firing his gun. He accidentally shoots Octavio) oops…My bad Octavio…
OCTAVIO COLLPASES AND DIES ON THE STAGE. GUINNESS FIRES AT THE CEILING AND THE LIGHT FIXTURE ABOVE THEM FALLS ON TO TWO MEN SITTING AT A TABLE NEXT TO HIM WHO ALSO HAVE UZIS. THE HIT “TONY” SHOOTS BOTH THE TWO MEN WHO HAVE BEEN STRUCK BY THE LIGHT FIXTURE AND SNEAKS OUT OF THE CLUB, UNHARMED.
Stella: So, then it is the Bengals who win the North?
Guinness: Nope…My pick is the Browns!
Stella: The Browns?
Guinness: Truth be told I think these teams are going to all beat each other up. Its a very competitive division. (his clip runs out and he throws the uzi on the floor) Think about the Browns though. They can score points. They have Branden Weeden, who will probably get better this year, Josh “Flash” Gordon is their deep threat, Greg Little is a possession receiver and Davone Bess is their slot. And I expect big things from Trent Richardson in 2013…that guy is a beast!
Stella: Well I do like that they stole Paul Kruger from the Ravens, who really played well for the Ravens in the playoffs. They added a talented young pass rusher in Mingo whatever his first name is in the first round of the 2013 draft too.
Guinness: And they added Leon McFadden in the draft to help out the very talented Joe Haden. Joe Thomas is the best Left Tackle in the game in my opinion, he should open some big holes for Richardson…so I’m going with the Browns to win the AFC North…it’s a little crazy I guess
Stella: Let’s get out of this place…it’s a dump…it’s all shot up…
NOW FOR A SERIOUS WORD FROM PIGSGERALD OINKUSTUS BACON THE THIRD DE LA CHULETA OF CLAN SAUSAGE AND MASH (PIGGY)
The Flying Pig: Humans, these may be your last days. The Oinkining is coming. You cannot avoid it. But…(whispering) since some of you have been good to me. There are a few things I can offer you to help you survive. Shhhh…Don’t oink about it to the other pigs….deal? …First you will need a survival gear, like this helmet.
The Flying Pig: Every human who wants to survive the Oinkining should have one of these. Now, I know that humans are nowhere near as attractive as pigs, and you cannot expect to realistically fool a pig to make a pig believe a human is a pig, but this helmet is designed to help humans blend in. If a Pig is more than 100 yards away, he may not notice you. The helmet has a built in gas mask to help humans tolerate all the farting. And the target will make it easy for the pigs to….oops, I mean it’s colorful too! Weeeeeeeeeeeee. But the Oinkinng Survival Gear doesn’t end there. Humans, you will need shelter. Something safe when the pigs come to raze the Earth. I have just the place for you.
The Flying Pig: I have even labeled it. This Oinkining shelter fits one human at a time or two Gary Colemans. It is warm and cozy. When the Oinkining comes, just lower the door, step inside and set the time for 350 degrees…or I mean days…eh…350 days. Then you will know what it feels like….oops…I mean then you will be safe through the Oinkining….And when the Oinkining ends, well I cannot promise you a T-Shirt or anything like that. Instead, every Human will get one of these courtesy of the far Superior Piggies.
PIGGY FARTS AND LEAVES THE ROOM