As an international play hamster, this time on year, I’m usually busy doing a calendar shoot for pokey enthusiasts. But like the rest of you, I can smell it in the air and its as enticing as Geno Smith’s underwear.
Why does this anal intruding hamster love the draft you ask? Because the draft is the best place to make your butt hurt and there is nothing Colonpokey likes more than making your butt hurt. You may not know this but for decades the pokey family has been paying visits…heehee…to the GMs, Owners, Coaches and Czars of the NFL and ruining draft choices. Where you see busts I see butts.
So without further poopoo let’s get this started by taking a look at picks for the Dolphins between the Don Shula era and the Bill Parcells era. Let’s start at the end, like every pokey should, with a player who is most notable for the coaches defense of the pick: Tedd Ginn, Jr.
The curse of #19 begins with Ginn. Ginn still floats around the NFL. I guess speed lives forever. To Ginn’s credit he has been a valuable kick returner for not just the Dolphins but a few other teams too. Ginn was drafted for his speed and you can see it on kick returns. But as a receiver Ginn showed the same affection for the sideline as I do for KY Jelly. Maybe the worst part of the Ginn pick is that 4 of the next 6 picks were Patrick Willis, Darrel Revis, Marshawn Lynch and Lawrence Timmons. Cam Cameron’s famous justification of the pick has been paraphrased many times. Over a chorus of boos, Cameron told Dolfans that the Dolphins just drafted the entire Ginn family. As far as I know Nana Ginn has never scored a TD in the NFL.
The Dolphins emphasized speed in 2007 and drafted Lorenzo Booker in the 3rd round, a speedy running back who was equally butt penetrating. As it turns out Cam Cameron sped his way out of a job.
You can pretend you don’t want it but Colonpokey knows better. More butt hurt for you. This time its Jamar Fletcher. a defensive back who really didn’t do much for the Dolphins. When we drafted Fletcher, we already had probowlers Patrick Surtain and Sam Madison as our starting CBs. Fletcher was drafted to be a nickel back but never made much of an impact at all. He was later traded to San Diego in a trade that helped the Dolphins add receiver David Boston.
Fletcher was not the only draft pick taken in the Wanny years who was not intended to start. In 2003 the Dolphins lacked a first round pick which they gave to New Orleans as part of the Ricky Williams trade.
With the 49th pick of the 2003 draft the Dolphins selected Eddie Moore. Do you remember Eddie Moore? Seriously do you remember Eddie Moore? I’ll say it one more time, “Do you remember Eddie Moore?” That is what I saw to all my rufinol victims in the morning. And their response is probably the same as yours. “Who are you?” Probably best you don’t remember, just make sure you sit down on a soft surface. Rumor has it, these days Moore is in a witness protection program.
The 2003 draft was saved by the 6th round when the Dolphins selected Yeremiah Bell. That is before Chris Berman’s syphilis mouth made every highlight of Bell into a song.
Speaking of syphilis, Nick Saban didn’t have a great run in his time with the Dolphins either. This ego maniac is still obsessed with the SEC. You may remember Saban’s cowardly flee from the NFL to the SEC. But not only did he leave the Dolphins with Saban stench, he left us with a couple of SEC players that didn’t pan out. Ronnie Brown was a bit too productive to make this list even though he was the #2 pick in the weak 2005 draft.
But a year later the Dolphins selected cornerback Jason Allen…I mean safety Jason Allen…wait, eh I mean cornerback um Jason Allen….What? He’s a safety. I think you get the point. I once knew a transgender porcupine as indecisive as the way coaches treated Allen. It didn’t help his career getting moved around so much. Later in his career with the Dolphins, Tony Sporano showed the ….chomp chomp chomp…wisdom to…chomp chomp chomp…leave Allen at CB. And to Allen’s credit he started a few games at CB and there was a glimmer of hope, only to fade on Monday Night against the Cheatriots.
Well, I’m worn out and I better get some rest before my date with Richard Gere tonight. Have no fear Dolphins. You will get more butt hurting. Next week we will take a look at the Ireland years! I bet you can’t wait! This post was endorsed by the Pokey Family. (whispering) It bares the seal…