A  Sonny Football Fantasy

I Love My Mother-in-law

 by son of a son of a shula

I’ve known my mother in law for what will be 30 years this year, thirty years. I’ve never had any issues with her we get along fine and she professes to love me – BUT SHE MAKES ME INSANE.

You see my wife and I went over there last Saturday so that I could move a recliner from the upstairs to the downstairs because my father in law had hurt his back and needed the chair downstairs so he could rest comfortably. So knowing I had to go over there I had to prepare myself. We go to the Ale House and I ordered my first beer, I said make it big gesturing with my hands to make it about a foot tall. That’s a good start. Next come the wings – hot. Next another mammoth beer followed by one more for good measure. See where this going.

On the way gurgling starts, a little pressure as well and there I am having to poop. Thinking in my head that there’s no way I can “go” over there. Ain’t gonna happen. Talk it down Son you can make it home, come on you can do this. Well no such luck. I HAD to go. The bathroom is kind of right off the living room just around a corner heading to a bedroom.

So I move the chair and everyone seemed pre-occupied so I slip away to the bathroom to take care of biz. It was fine and you’ll be glad to know it went well. Hell there was even Lysol in there (they must have been expecting me). I finish, I spray like crazy and go back to the living room. My wife and I had been out shopping getting her clothes for my daughters upcoming wedding next month. As she goes to try something on my MIL actually said, “did he use Lysol? I can smell it a little”. Yes I felt very comfortable- NOT.

Kim is trying on an outfit and while she is gone my MIL proceeds to tell me that ever since she was young that she never smelled. I’m glass faced staring at the TV and my FIL is silent and I can see him out of the corner of my eye giving her the kill sign. In my mind I’m flabbergasted, who says this stuff to people. She continued and I heard all about her stomach issues.  So there you go she effectively told me her shit don’t stink but mine does.

Well I got to thinking of how wonderful it is to have Suh on our team. Here’s a guy who doesn’t take shit from anyone. Think about it – teams won’t be able to impose their will on our D, we have the ultimate enforcer. Games where we have a slim lead and teams think they can do what the Packers did to us won’t happen anymore. Suh won’t let them. Like his own Lions did to us, Suh would have sacked Stafford.

We don’t necessarily need that enforcer on offense what we need on offense is to be a machine. Imagine a close game, back and forth, it’s getting late and we have a 2 point lead and the ball. Miller running and getting chunks of yards because Amari Cooper has sliced and diced the opposition like a surgeon. Out routes, slants, deep middle they can’t cover him. Cameron Jordon feasts on single coverage while Jarvis Landry owns the middle of the field. You can’t bring the Safety up and risk Stills catching one deep to go down 9 you just have to try to contain Miller and the run game.

We need the high end receiver that does it all. Not a one trick pony not a guy decent enough to start but a guy who defenses just can’t find an answer to. A guy who’s shit don’t stink.

Trade up and get Amari Cooper and let’s go be a playoff team.

They live pretty far from us and it’s a long trip home so I said, excuse me right before we left to go to the bathroom again. This time – NO Lysol. I love my mother in law.