STELLA AND GUINNESS, TWO ALIENS, WALK INTO A BAR. A HOODED MAN SITS AT THE END OF THE BAR BY HIMSELF
Stella: Does this bar seem a little odd to you…
Guinness: I don’t know. I’m drunk.
Stella: Don’t you think that guy in the hood is a little odd?
Guinness: I guess he is a little dark and brooding…
A BARTENDER WALKS UP TO STELLA
Stella: Oh…eh…hey…So are there any drink specials?
Lloyd the Bartender: The Red Rum is half off
Stella: I will have some of that…little slow tonight isn’t it Lloyd?
Lloyd the Bartender: Yes it is Mr. Torrence (pouring Stella a drink)
Stella: You set em up and I will knocked them down. (reaching in his pockets) Oh it appears I’m a little light today…How is my credit here Lloyd?
Lloyd the Bartender: Your credit is just fine here Mr. Torrence
Guinness: Who is Mr. Torrence? Stella…How do you know his name is Lloyd?
Stella: (ignoring Stella) That’s swell. I like you Lloyd. I’ve always liked you. You were always the best of them. Best Goddamn bartender from Timbuktu to PortlandMaine…
Guinness: Um…do you guys know each other? …This conversation is getting a little weird. I’m just going to sit with these twins over here…They look innocent enough…
Lloyd the Bartender: What seems to be the problem Mr. Torrence? (pouring another drink)
Stella: Nothing serious…just a little problem talking about the AFC West
Lloyd the Bartender: There is a solution for that…just start talking about the AFC West…but…um pick the right team…
Stella: Lloyd…were’t you once the caretaker of this bar
Lloyd the Bartender: No Mr. Torrence…You are the caretaker of this bar..You’ve always been the caretaker of this bar. (he eerily walks away)
Guinness: Okay this is just weird…Let’s just talk about the AFC West. Let’s start with the champs last year and the likely champs this year…The Denver Broncos…
THE HOODED MAN AT THE END OF THE BAR, SLAMS DOWN HIS DRINK, TAKES DOWN HIS HOOD AND REVEALS HIMSELF
The Corpse of Al Davis: How Dah you come into this bah and talk about the Denvah Broncos fahst…That is blasphemy!
THE LIGHTS FLICKER ON AND OFF AND LLOYD THE BARTENDER RE-APPEARS
Stella: The Corpse of Al Davis?
The Corpse of Al Davis: Yes, you blasphemous aliens…it is I. And in this bah, we talk about the Raidahs fahst!
Guinness: Okay, then let’s talk about the Raiders…Um…they are not very good…
The Corpse of Al Davis: Nonsense. The Raidahs are poised for greatness. We got rid of that bum Cahson Pahlmah. We acquired Matt Flynn. We signed DBs Tracey Pahtah and Chahles Woodson and we signed my favorite homeboy Kevin Bahnett too. Mah impahtantly we have speed – take our running back Dahren McFadden. He is fast, and speed kills baby!
Guinness: Okay, like I said…not very good. More like obsessed with track times…
The Corpse of Al Davis: Of Course we are obsessed with speed. I was once a great track stah. I won two sprinting gold medals for Jamaica you know
Stella: Um…wasn’t that Usain Bolt? You are not even Jamaican.
The Corpse of Al Davis: It doesn’t mattah! Point is, the Raidahs will win the West!
Guinness: Okay, so now we can move on to the Broncos
THE CORPSE HISSES
Stella: Well two years ago they won the Peyton Manning sweepstakes and this year they added Wes Welker.
The Corpse of Al Davis: Welkah
The Corpse of Al Davis: Wel-Kah
Stella: Okay, moving on, basically it was a solid offseason for the Broncos. No reason they should not repeat.
The Corpse of Al Davis: Not so fast…you fahgot one thing…the contract errah
The Corpse of Al Davis: The Dumahville contract errah!
The Corpse of Al Davis: The Elvis Dumahville contract errah….What a mistake. Technically it was the fault of Dumahville’s stupid agent…but Dumahville was ready to stay with the Denvah, but the signed contract was late, so they cut him. And now Dumahville is with Baltimah (laughing) Denvah gave away a great pass rushah. You don’t give away pass rushahs, especially when Von Millah will be suspended for 4 games!
Guinness: I guess that might hurt the Broncos, but not every team has the luxury of players like Dion Jordan, Cam Wake and Olivier Vernon as pass rushers…moving on to the Chiefs…
Stella: The Chiefs had the worst record in the NFL last season and drafted the talented Eric Fisher to play LT in 2013 with the number one overall pick. They also franchised and refused to accept reasonable trade offers for another OT.
The Corpse of Al Davis: Brandon Albaht.
The Corpse of Al Davis: Al-BAHT
Stella: (sigh) So expect solid bookend tackles this season for the Chiefs.
Guinness: Those tackles will have to protect newly acquired Alex Smith which explains where their #2 pick went! And they block for Jamal Charles who is explosive.
Stella: You know, overall the Chiefs have some talent on their team. They put three players in the pro bowl last season. Probably one of the reasons Andy Reid went there.
Guinness: In related news, the pro bowl no longer exists
Stella: A bit overstated Guinness…They just changed the format to get rid of conferences, eliminated kickoffs and team captains are picking players.
Guinness: like I said, the pro bowl no longer exists
The Corpse of Al Davis: Back to the Raidahs
Stella: No Corpse…we already spoke about them. Its time for the Chargers
The Corpse of Al Davis: The Chargahs…I don’t want to hear about that blow hahd Rivahs!
Guinness: I don’t care what his numbers were last year. In my opinion, Rivers is mechanically, the best QB in the NFL.
Stella: He struggled last year. But this year, I like a WR they added named Keenan Allen…hey did lightning just crash behind me…
Guinness: And they still have Antonio Gates, Ryan Matthews and former Dolphin Ronnie Brown…
Stella: In addition to Allen, like the Chiefs, they drafted an OT in the first round, DJ Fluker.
The Corpse of Al Davis: Don’t forget about their othah draftee, catfish victim, Manti Te’o! (The Corpse lets out a high pitched laugh)
Guinness: I think that about covers it. Lets get out of this place!
NOW FOR A SERIOUS WORD FROM PIGSGERALD OINKUSTUS BACON THE THIRD (PIGGY)
The Flying Pig: Humans…Fuck off…Oh and enjoy the Hall of Fame Game
PIGGY LEAVES THE ROOM
The Flying Pig: (re-entering the room) And one more serious thing to say…
PIGGY FARTS AND LEAVES THE ROOM