The Porcine Oddyssey #53: Falcons @ Dolphins

ON MONDAY MORNING, THE FLYING INCHWORM GETS OUT OF BED, FOLDS A RYAN TANNEHILL JERSEY UP AND PUTS THE HERSEY IN A BEDROOM DRAWER

The Flying Inchworm: (to himself) I can never let Pegasus know I am a lifelong Dolfan. I hate Mondays but I better get to work. Besides, nothing can bring me down now that the Dolphins are 2-0

THE FLYING INCHWORM PUTS ON HIS TIE, BRUSHES HIS TEETH, GRABS HIS BRIEFCASE AND LEAVES HIS APARTMENT TO GO TO HIS OFFICE AT THE MYSTERIOUS PLACE KNOWN AS THE PEGASUS COUNCIL HEADQUARTERS. ON HIS WAY OUT THE DOOR HE REALIZES HE DROPPED TOOTHPASTE ON HIS TIE.

The Flying Inchworm: (upset at himself) Oh, my new tie! Oh well, at last the Dolphins are 2-0

THE FLYING INCHWORM BUYS A COFFEE AT THE DELI AT THE CORNER AND BEGINS TO WALK TO THE SUBWAY WHILE DRINKING HIS COFFEE. HE SPILLS HOT COFFEE ON HIMSELF.

The Flying Inchworm: OUCH! THAT’S HOT! What a way to start the morning….well, at least the Dolphins are 2-0…

TheFlyingInchworm

THE FLYING INCHWORM WALKS TO THE SUBWAY ENTRANCE. ON THE WAY DOWN TO THE ENTRANCE HE STEPS IN DOG SHIT

The Flying Inchworm: Oh no! I got dog shit on 3 of my feet! Well, at least the Dolphins are 2-0…

AFTER WIPING THE SHIT OFF HIS FEET, HE BOARDS THE SUBWAY UNTIL THE STOP BEFORE HIS OFFICE. WHEN HE TRIES TO EXIT THE SUBWAY, ANOTHER PASSENGER KNOCKS HIM DOWN. ALL THE PAPERS IN HI SUITCASE SPILL ON THE GROUND.

The Flying Inchworm: (picking up the papers and putting them in his briefcase) That was so rude! Some people have no manners! Well, at least the Dolphins are 2-0…

AS THE FLYING INCHWORM WALKS IN HIS OFFCE AN ATOMIC BOMB DETONATES BEHIND HIM. HE ENTERS THE OFFICE ON FIRE.

The Flying Inchworm: (putting out the fire on himself) That was a tough commute. Thank God the Dolphins are 2-0, everything is right in the world today…

Pegasus: (yelling from outside his office) Where is that little worm! The Dolphins are 2-0. It must stop!

The Flying Inchworm: (to himself while bracing himself as he is about to meet Pegasus) Just remember the Dolphins are 2-0….(he walks out his office to meet with Pegasus) Good morning Pegasus, um, sir…how can I help you today…

BACK ON EARTH AT SUNLIFE STADIUM ON GAME DAY, COLONPOKEY WAKES UP IN A CAR ALONE IN THE STADIUM PARKING LOT.

Colonpokey: (waking up and realizing he is alone) What…where did everyone go. Did they go to the game without me….(a tears falls from Colonpokey’s eye) They left me…my friends left me…I’m gonna call my Grandma

COLONPOKEY CALLS NANAPOKEY

Colonpokey: Nanapokey?

Nanapokey: Yes, Colonpokey its me, your loving Nana…

Colonpokey: Nanapokey, I’m so sad…I’m at the Falcons game

Nanapokey: (interrupting) Oh Colonpokey that is very sad, they have so many injuries…

Colonpokey: No Nanapokey…I don’t care about the Falcons…Its my friends…they went inside the stadium and left me…I don’t think they really like me….

Nanapokey: Colonpokey, do you remember what I taught you when you were young?

Colonpokey: You mean that thing with the wrench, the jar of pickles and the apricot jelly?

Nanapokey: No, not that Colonpokey…about your friends…

Colonpokey: Oh! I know. Treat my friends like I want them to treat me!…I don’t understand Nanapokey, should I ask them if they want to penetrate my butt?

Nanapokey: Um…no Colonpokey…maybe you should take a different tact…if you want your friends to support you…make sure you support them…show them you support them!

Colonpokey: Okay Nana…I will try…(grabbing his ticket from the dashboard and exiting the car to go into the stadium)

Nanapokey: Good, now leave me alone, the Real Housewives of New Jersey is on (she hangs up the phone)

INSIDE THE STADIUM, NEAR THE CONCESSION STAND, MUSTACHIO, WEDGE, PSYCHIC GPS AND THE LITTLE PRAWN ARE TALKING IN A CIRCLE AND LAUGHING BEFORE THE GAME

Psychic GPS: Hey guys check out this photo I found of the new Atlanta Falcons training facility

Wedge: (laughing) Thats good, but did you see this photo of their new helmets?

Psychic GPS: Electronic Laugh

Mustachio: Affanculo…that is a good one…but did you see The Little Prawn’s impression of the Falcons front 7…show ‘em Prawny

THE LITTLE PRAWN LIMPS AWAY AND FALLS ON THE GROUND FEIGNING INJURY

The Little Prawn: “….”

Mustachio: Hah hah…if you could hear him you would know he was screaming in pain

COLONPOKEY WALKS UP TO THE GROUP

Colonpokey: Heehee Little Prawn…you are so funny. (exaggerating his laugh) You guys are so funny…

Psychic GPS: Oh you made it Colonpokey…we thought you might miss the game

Colonpokey: Yep! I wouldn’t miss this game! I wouldn’t miss anything with you guys! You guys are the best. (uncomfortably hugging Wedge) I love you guys!

Wedge: Eh…are you okay Colonpokey

Colonpokey: Me! I’m great! Hey where is Piggy?

Mustachio: That little prosciutto is already in his seat

Wedge: He has been watching the cheerleaders for about an hour now…

Psychic GPS: Let’s go to our seats

THEY WALK TO THEIR SEATS WHERE THEY FIND PIGGY STARING AT THE CHEERLEADERS

Psychic GPS: Um…Piggy…Are you okay…

Wedge: I think he is comatose

Mustachio: He has been staring at the cheerleaders too long…look at him!

HptnoPiggy

The Flying Pig: ….So beautiful….want to touch (reaching out one of his trotters)

Wedge: Hah hah Piggy…I don’t think they will give you the time of day…

Psychic GPS: Yeah…I don’t think any of they are into farting bacon

The Flying Pig: (hanging his head) I guess so

Mustachio: Join the club my gassy sopressatta friend

Colonpokey: (placing his hand on Piggy’s shoulder) No that’s not true!

The Flying Pig: What?

Colonpokey: Those cheerleaders might love to be with a farting piggy…

The Flying Pig: Really?

Wedge: Okay Colonpokey, stop playing with Piggy now…

Colonpokey: I’m serious! Guys if anyone knows butts…its me…farting is natural, everyone does it, Piggy more than others…but…

THE LIGHTS DIM AND A PIANO IN THE BACKGROUND STARTS PLAYING EVERYBODY HURTS

Colonpokey: (singing) When you day is long…and when you think you are alone, or don’t care

COLONPOKEY SWAYS TO THE LEFT

Colonpokey: (singing) When you are sure you can’t eat enough…well hang on,

COLONPOKEY SWAYS TO THE RIGHT

Colonpokey: (singing) Let your butt go…because everyone cries and everyone farts, sometimes

COLONPOKEY SWAYS TO THE LEFT

Colonpokey: (singing) Well everybody farts, take comfort in your gas, everybody farts sometimes, you are not alone, everybody farts…

THE SONG ENDS AND COLONPOKEY BOWS

The Flying Pig: Colonpokey…you are right! I’m going to talk to the cheerleaders ….but before I go one thing I have to say to you guys

Wedge: What is it?

PIGGY FARTS, HOPS A SMALL BARRIER SEPARATING THE FANS FROM THE FIELD AND IS PROMPTLY ARRESTED AFTER APPROACHING THE SCREAMING CHEERLEADERS

Colonpokey: Oops…

This entry was posted in The Porcine Oddyssey and tagged . Bookmark the permalink.