In a secret destination no one knows about
There is a meeting of mysterious figures
Hooded Boss: Okay…we have the world exactly where we want them with our fake news…So now is the time. Now is the time to do something that no on will believe
Hooded Boss: So give me your ideas
Hooded Lackey: Well…I was thinking…maybe we should do a World is Flat sort of thing…
Hooded Boss: Too Easy!
The Hooded Boss Opens a trap door under the lackey who falls in. Flames shoot out through the trap door
The Hooded Boss: Any other ideas?
Its uncomfortably silent as the other Lackeys in the cave are scared
The Hooded Boss: No one! No one has the guts to create Original Fake News.
A undersized hooded stockboy enters the room carrying boxes.
He trips and the boxes loudly crash on the ground.
The Hooded Boss: Stockboy you klutz! Can’t you do anything right?
Hooded Stockboy: Um…I ad an idea…
Hooded Boss: Out with it and be outta of here!
Hooded Stockboy: Well you know its award season and…um…well there is the Oinkees. And I was thinking…we can do a story where the Oinkees…Well the Oinkees doesn’t experience any major problems. You know like “the Oinkees goes off without a Hitch!”
Hooded Boss: Well…that’s….that’s….that’s just brilliant. If we can make people believe the Oinkees went off without a hitch…Then they will believe anything!!!
A DAY LATER
ANNOUNCER: Welcome to the 4th Edition of the Oinkees.
An Audience of Pigs Applauds
ANNOUNCER: Last Year the Oinkees were cancelled due to Extreme Philbin Suck. But the Dolphins were back in the postseason in 2016 and the OINKEES are back!
ANNOUNCER: Now for our first Award “The Snoutsmasher” to the defensive MVP of the Dolphins please welcome two presenters from outer space. Wedge The Alien and his boss – The Alpha Alien!
Wedge: Good evening pork. Its an honor to be here to present the Snoutsmasher. An the nominees are Cameron Wake, Ndamukong Suh and Kiko Alonso…And the winner is (opening an envelope)
Alpha Alien: (interrupting) Earthlings…Your time will come. This silly ceremony will not prevent your inevitable suffering. Humans and Pigkind shall perish in agony when I am done with this planet. At this very moment I am analyzing your miserable planet and determining the best way to end your useless existence. Your time will come!
There is an awkward silence in the audience
Wedge: Um…the winner is Ndamukong Suh. YAY!!!
The Pigs all applaud
ANNOUNCER: and now from the depths of the ocean to present the award for the Tiny Piglet to the Dolphins rookie of the year…Please welcome, The Little Prawn and the Mediocre White
The Little Prawn goes to the podium alone. The Mediocre White is nowhere to be found.
ANNOUNCER: Um…I think some one is missing… maybe we should call the Mediocre White…
The Sound of a phone is heard dialing
The Mediocre White: ….hey man…(picking up the phone)
ANNOUNCER: Where are you?
The Mediocre White: Oh man…I’m so high bro….
ANNOUNCER: You are supposed to be here at the Oinkees!
The Mediocre White: Man…that’s on Monday…
ANNOUNCER: It is Monday!
The Mediocre White: ….Oh man….(he laughs)….well…I can’t make it bro…I’m too high…Oinkee On (he hangs up)
ANNOUNCER: Okay Prawny…looks like you are on your own…
ANNOUNCER: Okay forget it…I will announce it. The nominees are Kenyon Drake, Xavier Howard and Laremy Tunsil…and the winner is Laremy Tunsil!
ANNOUNCER: an now to give the award for the the Unsung Porkchop given to the most undervalued Dolphins please welcome the cutest couple in the world. The Mustachios!
Mustachio: E un onore to be here and give the Unsung PorkChop with mi bella Mrs. Mustachio….Hey…where is Mrs Mustachio?
Mustachio runs off stage looking for Mrs. Mustachio
Mustachio: Mrs. Mustachio where are you?
Mustachio checks the bathroom
Mustachio: ooo…Errore Mio!
Mustachio checks in another room backstage
Mustachio leaves that room an opens a dressing room.
Mustachio: Affanculo! Mrs. Mustachio – Not the perverted weedwacker!
Mustachio returns to the stage alone…he is crying….
Mustachio: The nominees for the Unsung Pork Chop are Dion Simms, Kenny Stills and Ju’Wann James…and the winner is Dion Simms!
ANNOUNCER: Please welcome to award the Golden Squiggly Tail to the best skill play from the Dolphins, a rodent that knows a lot about tails – Colonpokey and one of the biggest busts in Dolphins Draft History – Dion Jordan
Colonpokey: It’s just me everyone…Dion Jordan could not make it tonight….Its turns out he doesn’t know how to show up…
The Pigs in the Audience Laugh and Squeal at Colonpokey’s joke
Colonpokey: We asked Jeff Ireland what we should do and he suggested that we replace him with Phillip Wheeler and Danelle Ellerbee…so we hung up on him…
The Pig’s continue to laugh
Colonpokey: Joe Philbin coaches with balls!
The Pig’s laugh and squeal some more
Colonpokey: Okay now to the matter at hand…the nominees for the Golden Squiggly Tail are: Jarvis Landry, Jay Ajayi and Kenny Stills….and the winner is Jay Ajayi!
ANNOUNCER: Please welcome our last presenters of the night to hand out the prestigious Il Grande Wings: Piggy Bacon and Meryl Streep
The Flying Pig: Good evening pigs…I am very proud to give out the coveted Il Grande Wimgs once again….But before I do that…I think what the world needs now is a political statement at this award show. So I brought my Meryl Streep here tonight…
(Piggy pauses before speaking again)
The Flying Pig: Its important to say tonight…(Piggy wipes a tear from his eye) last year during the 2016 season, over 7000 of pigkind were slaughtered in the names of pre-game ribs….Even more pigkind were killed for bacon, pork chops, sausages and other Pig Massacre! Its time for us to put a stop to this right Meryl!
The Flying Pig: Meryl? Um Meryl? Where are you?
Piggy suddenly squeals in shock
The Flying Pig: Meryl…it can’t be! ANYTHING BUT BACON!
The Flying Pig: You miserable human! (jumping off the stage) Okay which trotter does Sophie choose – the left or the right?
(Piggy attacks Meryl Streep)
ANNOUNCER: Shit…another Oinkee disaster…(sigh) And the winner of Il Grande Wings is Jarvis Landry
After the show backstage…the Hooded Stockboy removes his hood revealing himself and begins to laugh maniacally
THE NEXT DAY