The Porcine Oddyssey #105: The 4th Edition of the Oinkees


In a secret destination no one knows about 

Bronson Cave

There is a meeting of mysterious figures

Hooded Boss:  Okay…we have the world exactly where we want them with our fake news…So now is the time.  Now is the time to do something that no on will believe


Hooded Boss:  So give me your ideas

Hooded Lackey:  Well…I was thinking…maybe we should do a World is Flat sort of thing…

Hooded Boss:  Too Easy!


The Hooded Boss Opens a trap door under the lackey who falls in.  Flames shoot out through the trap door

The Hooded Boss:  Any other ideas?

Its uncomfortably silent as the other Lackeys in the cave are scared

The Hooded Boss:  No one!  No one has the guts to create Original Fake News.

A undersized hooded stockboy enters the room carrying boxes.  

He trips and the boxes loudly crash on the ground.

The Hooded Boss:  Stockboy you klutz!  Can’t you do anything right?


Hooded Stockboy:  Um…I ad an idea…

Hooded Boss:  Out with it and be outta of here!

Hooded Stockboy:  Well you know its award season and…um…well there is the Oinkees.  And I was thinking…we can do a story where the Oinkees…Well the Oinkees doesn’t experience any major problems.  You know like “the Oinkees goes off without a Hitch!”

Hooded Boss:  Well…that’s….that’s….that’s just brilliant.  If we can make people believe the Oinkees went off without a hitch…Then they will believe anything!!!




ANNOUNCER:  Welcome to the 4th Edition of the Oinkees.

An Audience of Pigs Applauds

ANNOUNCER:  Last Year the Oinkees were cancelled due to Extreme Philbin Suck.  But the Dolphins were back in the postseason in 2016 and the OINKEES are back!

Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!  Squeal!

ANNOUNCER:  Now for our first Award “The Snoutsmasher” to the defensive MVP of the Dolphins please welcome two presenters from outer space.  Wedge The Alien and his boss – The Alpha Alien!


Wedge:  Good evening pork.  Its an honor to be here to present the Snoutsmasher.  An the nominees are Cameron Wake, Ndamukong Suh and Kiko Alonso…And the winner is (opening an envelope)

Alpha Alien:  (interrupting)  Earthlings…Your time will come.  This silly ceremony will not prevent your inevitable suffering.  Humans and Pigkind shall perish in agony when I am done with this planet.  At this very moment I am analyzing your miserable planet and determining the best way to end your useless existence.  Your time will come!

There is an awkward silence in the audience

Wedge:  Um…the winner is Ndamukong Suh.  YAY!!!

The Pigs all applaud

ANNOUNCER:  and now from the depths of the ocean to present the award for the Tiny Piglet to the Dolphins rookie of the year…Please welcome, The Little Prawn and the Mediocre White

The Little Prawn goes to the podium alone.  The Mediocre White is nowhere to be found.  


ANNOUNCER:  Um…I think some one is missing… maybe we should call the Mediocre White…

The Sound of a phone is heard dialing

The Mediocre White:  ….hey man…(picking up the phone)

ANNOUNCER:  Where are you?

The Mediocre White:  Oh man…I’m so high bro….


ANNOUNCER:  You are supposed to be here at the Oinkees!

The Mediocre White:  Man…that’s on Monday…

ANNOUNCER:  It is Monday!

The Mediocre White:  ….Oh man….(he laughs)….well…I can’t make it bro…I’m too high…Oinkee On  (he hangs up)

ANNOUNCER:  Okay Prawny…looks like you are on your own…


ANNOUNCER:  Okay forget it…I will announce it.  The nominees are Kenyon Drake, Xavier Howard and Laremy Tunsil…and the winner is Laremy Tunsil!

ANNOUNCER:  an now to give the award for the the Unsung Porkchop given to the most undervalued Dolphins please welcome the cutest couple in the world.  The Mustachios!

Mustachio:  E un onore to be here and give the Unsung PorkChop with mi bella Mrs. Mustachio….Hey…where is Mrs Mustachio?

Mustachio runs off stage looking for Mrs. Mustachio

Mustachio:  Mrs. Mustachio where are you?

Mustachio checks the bathroom


Mustachio:  ooo…Errore Mio!

Mustachio checks in another room backstage


Mustachio:  Oops….Scusami!!!

Mustachio leaves that room an opens a dressing room.

Mustachio:  Affanculo!  Mrs. Mustachio – Not the perverted weedwacker!


Mustachio returns to the stage alone…he is crying….  


Mustachio:  The nominees for the Unsung Pork Chop are Dion Simms, Kenny Stills and Ju’Wann James…and the winner is Dion Simms!

ANNOUNCER:  Please welcome to award the Golden Squiggly Tail to the best skill play from the Dolphins, a rodent that knows a lot about tails – Colonpokey and one of the biggest busts in Dolphins Draft History – Dion Jordan

Colonpokey:  It’s just me everyone…Dion Jordan could not make it tonight….Its turns out he doesn’t know how to show up…

The Pigs in the Audience Laugh and Squeal at Colonpokey’s joke


Colonpokey:  We asked Jeff Ireland what we should do and he suggested that we replace him with Phillip Wheeler and Danelle Ellerbee…so we hung up on him…

The Pig’s continue to laugh

Colonpokey:  Joe Philbin coaches with balls!

The Pig’s laugh and squeal some more

Colonpokey:  Okay now to the matter at hand…the nominees for the Golden Squiggly Tail are:  Jarvis Landry, Jay Ajayi and Kenny Stills….and the winner is Jay Ajayi!

ANNOUNCER:  Please welcome our last presenters of the night to hand out the prestigious Il Grande Wings:  Piggy Bacon and Meryl Streep

The Flying Pig:  Good evening pigs…I am very proud to give out the coveted Il Grande Wimgs once again….But before I do that…I think what the world needs now is a political statement at this award show.  So I brought my Meryl Streep here tonight…

(Piggy pauses before speaking again)

The Flying Pig:  Its important to say tonight…(Piggy wipes a tear from his eye) last year during the 2016 season, over 7000 of pigkind were slaughtered in the names of pre-game ribs….Even more pigkind were killed for bacon, pork chops, sausages and other Pig Massacre!  Its time for us to put a stop to this right Meryl!


The Flying Pig:  Meryl?  Um Meryl?  Where are you?

Piggy suddenly squeals in shock

The Flying Pig:  Meryl…it can’t be!  ANYTHING BUT BACON!


The Flying Pig:  You miserable human!  (jumping off the stage)  Okay which trotter does Sophie choose – the left or the right?

(Piggy attacks Meryl Streep)

ANNOUNCER:  Shit…another Oinkee disaster…(sigh)  And the winner of Il Grande Wings is Jarvis Landry

After the show backstage…the Hooded Stockboy removes his hood revealing himself and begins to laugh maniacally




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340 Responses to The Porcine Oddyssey #105: The 4th Edition of the Oinkees

  1. wyoming85 says:

    Adam Schefter ‏@AdamSchefter 40s40 seconds ago
    Jets have notified Ryan Clady’s agent @_SportsTrust that they aren’t exercising option for 2017. Clady a free agent.

  2. did you ever think that the 5th rated LB could be just as good a pick as the 2nd rated CB? It’s not about where the player is rated within their individual positions. It’s where the player is rated as a draft pick.
    if you have 5 LB’s go in the 1st rd and only 2 CB’s it means it’s a strong LB class. So, position ranking means nothing.

    • Tim Knight says:

      Who is disagreeing with that? The horizontal board determines that. If you have 5 LBs and 2 CBs all rated with a similar grade, you go with the guy you like the most across the board. Not sure we’re you’re coming from?

      • didn’t say anyone was. In Randy’s post above he was basically saying the 5th rated LB wouldn’t be as good as the 2nd rated CB and suggested you’re reaching for a player that fills a need rather than taking the best player for the team. All I’m saying is those “ratings” mean nothing.
        In addition, not everyone’s board is going to be the same. If you look at the prospect rankings on for instance there’s 5 LB’s and 5 CB’s in the top 32 but some teams might only have 3 of either in the first round or may have more of both in the first round.
        Everyone’s board is different and, like we’ve heard so many times, you’ve got to trust the process.
        If you have a 2nd rd grade on a guy it doesn’t mean someone else doesn’t see that prospect as a 1st rounder or even a 3rd rounder.
        And even then, the player is going to need to be a fit for the team. So, it doesn’t matter if the guy is rated higher by anyone else but the team picking them.

    • pheloniusphish says:

      Isn’t that the point of BPA? It’s position neutral?

      • Just like player contracts I think ppl tend to get to tied up with the concept of “BPA”. What is BPA? If you’re picking 22nd like we are there could be numerous guys to choose from that make your team better and they can all be so close that the concept of BPA is really not a concern.
        We’ve all heard the draft is a crap shoot. Many of us have used that as an argument in the past and now, all of a sudden, we’re arguing for BPA.
        Who’s to say who is BPA if we’ve got Tak, Taco, Reddick, Humphrey, Feeney, Lamp and Howard staring us in the face when we’re picking. For fans, it’s a matter of opinion and then even with the teams you know there’s guys in league offices who’ve got hardon’s for certain players and will take one over another just because of that rather than making the best decision for the team. Look at Johnny Football.

      • pheloniusphish says:

        Then, as Tim said above, the team takes the guy they like who they think can help the team the most. BPA.

      • that’s correct and it should be the way teams always go when it comes to drafting players. doesn’t always happen that way, unfortunately.
        but, more to the point, what I’m getting from a lot of ppl when it comes to the BPA argument is that there’s a huge discernable different between players at any point where you’re picking in the draft and I don’t think that’s the case.
        I think a lot of ppl hear BPA and they have in their minds that when we’re picking at #22 there’s going to be one guy who’s the cut and dry choice above any of the others who are there and I doubt very much it’s going to happen that way. I think the team will have a choice of up to a half dozen players who may be a fit for them and could help them and it’s going to be up to them to make the choice they feel is best for the team from those players. But, I doubt there’s a huge gap between the “talents” that makes it easy to say “well, it’s pretty easy to see who they should be taking here”.

  3. Tim Knight says:

    Lou, I think most of us agree with that. The way I view it is if you have a prospect graded at 7.0 at CB and all the LBs are 6.2 or less, it’s an easy decision in the 1st rd.

  4. pheloniusphish says:

    Here’s my question about Zach Brown…Why did the Bill’s only sign him to a 1-year contract and why aren’t they re-signing him? Why did the Titans let him walk for a 1-year vet minimum salary?

    • Tim Knight says:

      The Bills stepped in shit and got great production at that price.

      Brown was named to the Pro Bowl for the 2016 NFL season. He finished the season with 149 tackles (97 individual, 52 assisted), 4.0 sacks, 1 interception and 2 forced fumbles. Also 4 PD and 11 tackles for a loss.

    • dbolt48 says:

      In the Bills case they are going to bank on Ragland as their MLB like they planned prior to his injury. I can’t speak for his time as a Titan because I didn’t really focus on them.

      • Tim Knight says:

        He took advantage of Ragland going down. He’s been productive from day one. I think the Ryan’s are nuts. LOL

  5. pheloniusphish says:

    Well FA should be interesting.

  6. BPA is a nice concept but that’s all it is; a concept. If teams were really interested in going with BPA why do they drop positions in rounds and pass up players who could be potentially better picks for them? Because they aren’t players in positions of need?

  7. Randy says:

    I was talking about the team’s draft board. Sorry if that wasn’t clear. I think it applies to the overall draft class too, but it should always be based on the team’s board. Everybody values players differently. Our 2nd ranked CB may be another team’s 6th…and they will have different priorities and needs that may or may not impact their placement on their boards. As I’ve said 1000 times, I think it should always be a combination of BPA/Need. How a particular draft sets up could impact stuff too. There’s no one “right” way to conduct a draft anyway.

  8. D says:

    Lou I agree with sio Moore and brown as being g a couple guys to come sided, I like minter as well.

    Wyoming. Cutrer is a guy I have had on my list for a while. I’m a little confused Gerber with playmakers out of small school divisions because they can be hard to truly evaluate, OL for example imo pretty easy to see even in small school divisions if they have what it takes, but was the RB really elusive, or was the competition just had, was the CB that much of a hawk or were the receivers and QBs just not very skilled. There are times where some of them also have some time at FBS schools so you can gather some things, but it still makes you wary. Hell just the level of coaching one division vs another can really affect that players projected success.

  9. D says:

    I don’t think there is any way you can do a absolute BPA, though I also think k there is no way ignore obvious BPA situational picks. BPA was the Tunsil pick, we did have a need on OL, we had needs all over the place but I think he was still a BPA pick over a need BPA, otherwise we like would be sitting here with Ragland and probably Derek Henry instead of Tunsil and Howard

    • D says:

      So.etimes things fall in your lap and you take that guy because he I.proves your team despite not being the biggest need position and you just make the rest of you draft make up for passing over the need position earlier

  10. olddolphan says:

    ONE THING I KNOW FOR SURE is that if Miami does NOT acquire at least TWO starting O-Linemen in the combination of FA and the draft, we’re NOT going to be a Super Bowl contender this upcoming season! –You can have all the LB’s & D-Linemen (edge) players you want but a repeat of last year’s O-Line shortcomings means we’re shit-out-of luck on 2017!!!

  11. Mike E. says:


    Absolutely right, which is why even if he’s healthy, Koa Misi will get cut

  12. I know a lot of people poo poo my “standard” for a LB at 60% minimum solo tackles but when you look at Barrow’s draft profile and look at his “weaknesses” and the “bottom line” the profile couldn’t be more spot on. “too much production is downfield”. “leaves production on field” and “needs to be protected”.
    You look at his production from his senior year and what do you see? He had 91 tackles and some will look at that and say “wow, he had 91 tackles. that’s pretty darn good”. But, of those 91 tackles, 68 were assists and only 23 were solo. THAT’s huge and you can poo poo that all you want but when you look at the tape it’s all put into perspective.
    Barrow could be a good special teams addition but I don’t expect him to break into the lineup playing LB.
    Couple that with the fact that he’s an LSU linebacker and it’s going to be tough

    • Mike E. says:

      I don’t poo poo that ratio at all. It’s one of the big reasons I want to bring Malcolm Smith here. He makes most of his tackles solo, and he has the speed and coverage ability too.

      • Here’s my list again. Includes Smith. I think possibly two of these guys could be on the team in camp. Smith makes a lot of sense. Gives you a starter at one spot without breaking the bank and I don’t think we need to break the bank on LB’s in FA; just upgrade the position. I believe Smith does that.
        I can also see someone like Lemonier as a possibility because of his edge rush capabilities and more of a backup role on the end than at LB. Not so much as a starter.
        Sio Moore could solidify our depth at the position.

    • dbolt48 says:

      He’ll get his shot & that’s all he’s getting is an opportunity. He either shows it or doesn’t. As of now he’s a camp body like the Canadian import. Common thread w/ both is speed and athletic ability.

  13. dbolt48 says:

    Albert released.

  14. Mike E. says:

    If that does happen, and they cut Albert, we will almost surely be signing one of the top FA OG’s. I can’t see any other way to do it, because we really need 3 OL now, a LG, RG, and then we need depth. Signing Bushrod for depth is also almost a certainty.

  15. Mike E. says:

    Personally, I like the move. I like stability, and relying on Albert and Pouncey can definitely come back to bite you.

    • Tim Knight says:

      Armando Salguero ‏@ArmandoSalguero 13m13 minutes ago
      Miami Dolphins release Branden Albert

      It frees up quite a bit of money and allows us to target the top OL in FA. OD is getting what he’s been calling for.

      • dbolt48 says:

        Honestly, I like BA, but physically he broke down and really struggled with blitz pickups etc. was magnified during the playoffs.

      • Mike E. says:

        Yup, it looks that way. I think it’s the right move. Unless you had an excellent fallback option for Albert, I think it makes sense to let him go, and just replace him.

  16. dbolt48 says:

    C@MikeGarafolo: One more Dolphins release: DT Earl Mitchell, who was due $4m this upcoming season. He’ll be released today, source says.

  17. Tim Knight says:

    Mike Garafolo‏ @MikeGarafolo
    One more Dolphins release: DT Earl Mitchell, who was due $4m this upcoming season. He’ll be released today, source says.

    Let the revamping begin.

  18. dbolt48 says:

    @ArmandoSalguero: New. Miami Dolphins to release Branden Albert, Mario Williams, two others in salary cap moves

  19. dbolt48 says:

    Mario Williams gone also.

  20. The Flying Pig says:

    Too bad we parted ways with Albert

    I guess we need 2 OGs
    Cap moves are never easy

    Mithcell, Williams and Albert – I don’t think we will be worse net year without these 3
    But we have to make some more moves this offseason

    I wonder if the cap room saved can help us sign 2 starting OGs and depth at DT?
    Would be nice not to have to worry about this come draft time

  21. Tim Knight says:

    Does anyone know how much the cap is going up this year?

  22. Tim Knight says:

    Dead Cap:
    Albert $3.4M
    Williams $2M
    Mitchell $500K

  23. The Flying Pig says:

    The cap room is nice

    I’m not a huge fan of a lot of turnover though

    The 3 guys mentioned however were sort of at the end of the production they can contribute

  24. Mike E. says:

    I really like that we’re not standing pat with what we have. As much as I like Albert, I didn’t want to count on him, and obviously, they felt the same way about him and Mitchell. It will be interesting to see how we approach free agency now. You have to think we go after at least 1 OG, and maybe an OT.

  25. Rhino says:

    Tunsil made a ‘new direction’ and younger OL a possiblility. This was definitely a surprise…

    … part of me thinks they saw enough in Tunsil to man the LT position at a decent price for a few years. free agent OG’s are licking their lips at the possible pay day from Miami. lol

  26. Rhino says:

    It seems Fins attitude now is: “if there’s a history that you won’t play, why would we want to pay”

  27. Rhino says:

    With all the cap room… and the desire to sign a couple “star” players…

    …and with OL and LB the most glaring areas of need… We’d need to be able to land a couple of these guys (?)

    Zietler RG
    Lang RG (who’s gonna play LG now)
    Ingram LB
    C Jones LB (hope they don’t franchise him)
    Hightower LB (hope it’s not just scheme that elevated his value)

  28. Tim Knight says:

    Rhino, I think we’ll target C/G in the draft.

  29. sb7mvp says:

    I can’t exactly cheer these efforts right away until I see how they fill the holes they just created. What does making these moves now help? Could they not have waited? Legitimate question. I don’t follow the deadlines and cap stuff like I used to do.

    • dbolt48 says:

      FRom what I’ve seen, they knew they were moving on from those players & did these cuts to help the players in regards to catching on somewhere quicker.

    • Mike E. says:

      Again, that goes back to the fact that they have a plan, we just don’t know what it is, but they do. They didn’t just haphazardly release guys without a plan to fill them

    • Tim Knight says:

      FA starts in less then a month so the plan has to be laid out. I’m not cheering anything either just reacting. This is a typical 2nd phase under a new regime. We’re moving on from some guys and the issues that need to be addressed still remain. Money will be spent on more new players, that’s all.

  30. Randy says:

    Bushrod is actually a better fit at LG…not saying that’s what they’re looking at, but it’s an option. Zeitler anyone? Lol

  31. Randy says:

    So are the guards on the team right now Urbik, Steen and Bushrod? I don’t even know anymore.

  32. Randy says:

    I don’t want Bushrod starting, but we now appear to need two starting guards. Bushrod is a better movement guard than a power guard, so he MIGHT play better at LG. He would be a valuable backup at every position but center.

  33. dbolt48 says:

    Beasley is saying Miami is working on a trade for a big name Corner.

  34. Tim Knight says:

    Could trade for a corner and release Maxwell. He was inconsistent and missed some time including the end of the season. Just looking at the common trend.

  35. Tim Knight says:

    This could also be about freeing up money for extensions for our own as well.

  36. Tim Knight says:

    FYI, I’m just thinking out loud because today is different than yesterday. At least the offseason should be more exciting. The key is do the moves make us a better team? LOL

    • dbolt48 says:

      Always worry when you have limited assets, outside of cash, and those are traded for a single player not truly at a position of dire need.

      • Tim Knight says:

        I think it always comes down to what the final 53 is. Not how you got there. Are you better? You know this team isn’t in the win a few more years mode, they’re not looking to take a step back, miss the playoffs to further their grand plan. That’s not how we’re built. They want to keep building on a culture of winning. We’re in that strike mode with a few additions and better play from our own. I think that’s the plan, to be one of those teams in the final 4.

  37. I’m not expecting the team to go nuts and use the money to sign a bunch of big name FA’s to try and win now. I think they’re going for players who can help this team win without breaking the bank and rather than bringing in the big names with the big contracts.
    Guys like Malcolm Smith can help the team win without the huge contract of a Dont’a Hightower. This coaching staff showed last season it has the ability to bring the best out of the roster and it’s not gong to be about bringing in that “one guy” but numerous guys who will improve the level of talent on the team.
    Part of the culture change in MIA is, going forward, one guy isn’t going to worth that much to the team. They win games by playing together and they aren’t going to be putting out huge sums to one person who can’t or won’t make that much of a difference by themselves.

    • sb7mvp says:

      If they dont go big in FA, it will be the first regime to not do it in year two in a long time. The signs are there to be concerned regardless of what the coaching staff did last year.

    • I’m not seeing it. Like I said, I think part of the culture change is they’re not going to be paying huge sums to FA’s because they know they can win if they just have talent.
      They know they don’t need to spend a huge amount on one guy when they can go out and just get talent and add it to the roster and make the team better.
      So, I’m not saying they aren’t in “win now” mode but they aren’t going to do it by signing the one huge name FA to the huge contract and then still have to add talent around that one guy in order to win.
      In other words, if you’re spending that kind of money on one guy and still need to add talent around him to win then how is he worth all that money?
      I think you’re going to see them be very selective as to who they sign and it’s going to be more about the fit and about a few guys who can really help rather than one guy who can’t get it done all on his own.

    • Tim Knight says:

      Well said!

  38. sb7mvp says:

    So no one has a real answer eh?

  39. Mike E. says:


    What do you consider big? More than 1 high priced player? 2? 3? I can see us spending big on one, and then a couple of medium contracts, and then small ones.

  40. Well, Albert has NOT been cut. Seems the team learned there’s some interest from others in acquiring him and are going to keep him on and utilize him in a trade instead. Interesting turn of events.

  41. Tim Knight says:

    We could go the route of lock up Alonso, FA LB, top 3 rounds (by day 2) and let the other 6-7 earn the depth or even a starting job. No doubt this unit will look different. Our new DC should know. 😉

  42. Tim Knight says:

    LT Tunsil
    C Pouncey
    RT James

    Not that we can’t fill it we can, but aren’t you sick of seeing those two positions be an albatross for however long? LOL

    Now we have to worry about Pouncey. We’ve got some work to do on the OL. But I think with Ajayi, we have to make sure we can get him to the 2nd level. The entire game changes when he’s doing that.

  43. Tim Knight says:

    Maybe Albert is part of this supposed trade for a corner?

  44. Maybe it’s Philly AGAIN. Eagles are looking to move Kendricks (supposedly) and they need a LT to guard Wentz’s blindside and Philly is one of our “trading partners”.

  45. Brian in NY says:

    VERY interesting turn of events today! I would rather trade Albert and move up a few spots in the first or second round. I’m not a fan of the late round pick trade- they are pretty useless.

  46. wyoming85 says:

  47. wyoming85 says:

  48. pheloniusphish says:

    I’m happy they are getting anything for BA. In the past they would have just let him walk and got nothing.

  49. Mike E. says:

    Revis wants his own island, or you get knocked out!

  50. sb7mvp says:

    So why didn’t they field trade offers before attempting to release?

  51. The Flying Pig says:

    Mel Kiper’s mock had OJ Howard at 18 today

    Just saying that is not too far off from us

    • dbolt48 says:

      njoku & Howard are both very talented, but im of the belief you have to go D in round 1 unless you think one of those two are generational talent. For some reason w/ Howard I worry he turns into a Germaine Gresham.

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